I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow.

I have heard this from many people I believe know what they are talking about:
"If you ever find yourself doubting your work, or even once think that maybe this isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life... then get out of it as fast as possible."

These past few days I have been very sick and have been held up in a living room with a box of Kleenex, a cup of tea, and my brain. My brain which has been thinking a lot about life, about every little detail.... about the future. And honestly, if I look ahead ten years.. I don't see anything. Whatever I see is blank... somewhat like a blank canvas but not even that certain. See with a blank canvas future, you at least know that something is ahead of you.. something you can create and mold to whatever you want it to be. With me... I just see blank. Nothing. And everything I put into that blank-ness doesn't seem to fit. Nothing seems to be right.

So... so what.. I am at that milestone in your life where you think "what do I want to do with the rest of my life." Everyone goes through it... probably multiple times. So.. I am there. At that "what do I want" stage.... and I ... I am completely lost.

Do I want to perform? Do I want to teach? Do I want to do technical work? Do I want to write? What do I want.

I just... I don't know. I mean, I do love the theatre so much. Performing... it just... I never feel better than when I am on a stage. I know I love it, people can tell. I mean someone I knew only for a few days told me "You do love it Sara, I can tell when you talk about it. You have this passion... that is contagious." But do I?

I know that.. like I have said before.. that I have to have change. I can't do the same thing day after day.

I looked back at something I wrote a few days ago and what I wrote was this:

"I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I'll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love."

I am just so complete and utterly confused. I know I love performing but sometimes it just... it seems like a joke. Like a I am living in this dream world. I know I will never be good enough to actually make it. I am good, but I can't see myself making a living do it. Dealing with the stress, the craziness... I can barely deal now. But then I think about life without it and that doesn't seem to make sense either. I need the stress, I need the nervous craziness I feel every time I walk into an audition... I need that feeling of accomplishment every time I do something wonderfully... every time I sing something in a lesson and I know that my professor is actually proud of me.

I just... I guess I am scared. I am scared of what I want. But I can't let fear hold me back from what I love. I have to fight for it.

Ah.. what am I even saying. I just... I... I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I just... confused.

I can't see myself doing theatre but then Ican't see myself doing anything else.

Someone asked me the other day if I were to change my major, what would I change it to. And I sat there and I thought about it... and I thought about it long and hard. I even asked them if I could get back to them.. and when I did the next day.. I said... honestly.. I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else...

but then I look ahead ot the future and see that blank-ness. I just...

I don't know.

Next week is spring break and for this first time in my life.. I have absolutely no obligations. I have a full week that I have nowhere I have to be. So I am going totake the week for me, and only me. Now I don't have money to go anywhere... heck, I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to the other side of town... so I am going to have to stay here and have this week of meditation... well.. here. I have spent so much of my life saying "I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow." ... It is getting a little late for that.

I just.. I don't know...


(any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.)