been a long time

I last wrote in July. In July I was overwhelmed with life and events that had occurred. The theatre that I Was working for, the theatre where I was getting paid not only to do what I love, but to play one of my dream roles, went bankrupt. They threw me out on the street. This happens to a lot of actors, true, but not before the show even opens! They went bankrupt before they even opened the show. Not only before it opened but while I was in rehearsal. That was painful. Sounds ridiculous and stupid, but it was painful. It hurt. It ripped me apart. I spent eight straight hours at uptown Martinis venting to my friend Katie who was bartending and Autumn, Gina, Chelsea and Jennie Beth had to come pick me up off the floor. It was a sad, sad sight and honestly nobody besides those four really knew that that had happened. That I sat at that bar with Katie for eight hours and drank martini after martini after beer after glass of wine. That has never happened before. I am surprised I didn’t die. I personally didn’t know that I could consume so much liquor. I look back know and can just imagine how God was looking down on me in disappointment. Watching me drown my sorrows in alcohol with money that I obviously didn’t have… like the town drunk who is too ashamed to go home so he just lives in bars and drinks each penny away. I don’t know what I would have done without those girls. I just felt like such a failure for something that wasn’t even my fault. Now I know this was months ago but the reason I bring that up is just it reflects a lot on upcoming events and actions. It marks a pattern of bad behavior.

In August the one person, that one family member who loved me unconditionally and who cared for me so much passed away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I haven’t felt pain that that since Julie died, and to be honest, this was more. This was so much more.
You know I think about Julie everyday of my life, and I think of my grandmother every day. I only wish my grandmother had a grave that I could visit, but her ashes are soon to be spread over some canon in New Mexico by my grandfather and mother and two uncles. I’m not invited.

I was with her through her last minutes. I remember her looking at me for the last time. She was basically in somewhat of a coma and I just prayed and prayed that she would open her eyes one more time and know that I was there. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. Josh and I were on either side of her. We knew the end was near and she… all of a sudden she took this big gasp and her eyes opened and I said I am here, I am here Grandma and she just looked at Josh and then looked at me and reached her hand up and touched my face and just looked at me. She tried to talk but couldn’t say anything and
I can’t do it, I can’t talk about it anymore. I can’t even see through my tears to type more. I need to stop, I will come back later.

It has been a long time...

It has been quite a while since I have written on this blog of mine. This blog was created for me to speak my mind, to vent about the cruelty of the world along with the beauty of it. I haven't had time, I have had inspiration, I haven't had courage.

A lot has happened since my last post in Feb, A distressed post about the strains of a bad audition and how it can change everything. I am over that, obviously, months later. It was quite ridiculous, to be so angry at myself for 8 seconds of a 90 second audition. How absurd.

It is summer now and I am only a few days away from my birthday. One year old. I am supposed to be one year wiser, but that certainly isn't the truth. What is the truth? Who knows, I sure do not.

The newest addition to my household is Truman. Truman is a spunky and loveable kitten who brightens each day of mine. He sits now, on my shoulder, watching me type. He gently bats at my hair and kisses my face with his rough feline tongue. I receive such great love from this small creature. He loves me unconditionally and makes me feel fantastic. Truman truly knows how to comfort one who is in a sense "down in the dumps." Things are just happening so fast. Time moves so fast. This summer has been turned upside down with each step that I have taken. It started out so wonderful, and I was proud of myself. Proud of the achievements and leaps and bounds I had made in every aspect of my life. Day by day those feelings of pride and ambition are peeled away like slowly disintegrating posters on a wall.

You know the type of wall I am speaking of. For instance, in New York, there are walls full of posters and cards and pictures. Each pasted on top of each other to where there are layers and layers of life. Layers and layers of secrets. Layers and layers of truths and lies. I feel like that wall. I am a "wall" with layers and layers of things built up over years. Some things garbage, some things brilliant, some truths, some lies. Each day something is peeled away and that is a good thing and a bad thing. Depends on which way you look at it. I don't know which way is right, all I know is that I am being peeled by this world. Ripped to shreds by each step, each breath, each blink.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was simple and careless? Everyone feels that way. My room mate sat the other day, smoking a cigarette, and was watching Truman. She said, "For every thirty minutes of play, he needs three hours of rest. Wouldn’t that be the life? No cares, no worries, just exploring this world and then you get to take a long nap."

I don't know if that would be "the life" but it would be nice to rid myself of all my cares. I have such a problem with dwelling in my problems. "Take it one day at a time" I hear. "Can you fix it right now in this moment? Then why worry." But I can't help it. It is in my nature to over analyze, to spend hours not sleeping replaying my day in my head and pin pointing all my mistakes. I don't even take the time to pin point all of my victories and moments of growth as a human. Who knows, maybe I am making no growth as a human. The only thing that is growing is my size, but lets not get into that.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “

I need to take a break from writing. I will continue later. I will try to keep it consistant.

Now..

I haven't written since July. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Life is complicated.

Everything is complicated.

My faith is struggling, my love is struggling, everything is killing me... bringing me down.

The only stable thing was my career.... my performing. I was at a high.. things were wonderful..

now that is struggling because of 90 seconds. The way I feel about myself is struggling because 90 seconds. Because 8 of those 90 seconds I screwed up... so 8 seconds of my life is making me question everything.



to be continued.