been a long time

I last wrote in July. In July I was overwhelmed with life and events that had occurred. The theatre that I Was working for, the theatre where I was getting paid not only to do what I love, but to play one of my dream roles, went bankrupt. They threw me out on the street. This happens to a lot of actors, true, but not before the show even opens! They went bankrupt before they even opened the show. Not only before it opened but while I was in rehearsal. That was painful. Sounds ridiculous and stupid, but it was painful. It hurt. It ripped me apart. I spent eight straight hours at uptown Martinis venting to my friend Katie who was bartending and Autumn, Gina, Chelsea and Jennie Beth had to come pick me up off the floor. It was a sad, sad sight and honestly nobody besides those four really knew that that had happened. That I sat at that bar with Katie for eight hours and drank martini after martini after beer after glass of wine. That has never happened before. I am surprised I didn’t die. I personally didn’t know that I could consume so much liquor. I look back know and can just imagine how God was looking down on me in disappointment. Watching me drown my sorrows in alcohol with money that I obviously didn’t have… like the town drunk who is too ashamed to go home so he just lives in bars and drinks each penny away. I don’t know what I would have done without those girls. I just felt like such a failure for something that wasn’t even my fault. Now I know this was months ago but the reason I bring that up is just it reflects a lot on upcoming events and actions. It marks a pattern of bad behavior.

In August the one person, that one family member who loved me unconditionally and who cared for me so much passed away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I haven’t felt pain that that since Julie died, and to be honest, this was more. This was so much more.
You know I think about Julie everyday of my life, and I think of my grandmother every day. I only wish my grandmother had a grave that I could visit, but her ashes are soon to be spread over some canon in New Mexico by my grandfather and mother and two uncles. I’m not invited.

I was with her through her last minutes. I remember her looking at me for the last time. She was basically in somewhat of a coma and I just prayed and prayed that she would open her eyes one more time and know that I was there. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. Josh and I were on either side of her. We knew the end was near and she… all of a sudden she took this big gasp and her eyes opened and I said I am here, I am here Grandma and she just looked at Josh and then looked at me and reached her hand up and touched my face and just looked at me. She tried to talk but couldn’t say anything and
I can’t do it, I can’t talk about it anymore. I can’t even see through my tears to type more. I need to stop, I will come back later.