Renew

I haven't been feeling very close to God lately. In fact, it has been that way for quite a long time. I let myself stray from his path, and I wasn't just walking away, I ran. The last year hasn't been the best, it really was quite hard. I found myself blaming God for everything that went wrong in my life. I had lack of motivation to read my Bible, have quite times, or pray in general. I was really lost.

I was fortunate enough to spend time this weekend with many people who I love. They are like family and this week was the first time in a long time that I actually felt cared about and were around people who love me unconditionally. It really helped me out of a rut being loved on and all. I really needed it and I know that God knew that. It was a great God thing, me getting to see them. I also sat and listened to the speaker a few times, and read the Bible.... and just.... felt him speaking to me in those few times.

Anyway, on the drive back home I just... spent quality time with God. I spent a lot of the time just listening to praise music and worshiping, and spent a lot of time praying and talking to God. I found myself breaking down in the car, driving through this intense rain. I just cried out to the Lord for forgiveness for straying from him. I just prayed and cried and felt myself in his arms. IT was the first time in a long time that I felt close to him.

In that car, on that highway tonight I rededicated my life. And in that instance the clouds parted and sunlight peeked from behind the black clouds. Within minutes the rain stopped and the sun just shined through clouds. It was absolutely breath taking. There were swirling colors all around me and I felt...renewed. I couldn't stop smiling after that happened and I just drove a long and talked with God. A man pulled up beside me and flipped me off because I was going 4 under the speed limit (because I am scared to death of rain) and I didn't even find it offensive, I just then prayed for that man. I prayed that God be with him in his journey and to soften his soul.

I really haven't felt this wonderful in a long time. It is going to take a lot of work to spiritually get back on track but I am so willing to do it. I have felt so empty lately and now I feel a stirring inside me, that emptiness being filled.


Tonight I am just going to stay in and pray, read my Bible and spend time with God.

Agnes of God - final

Today was my acting final an although it did not go as well as I wanted it to I still see it as a step up for me. I knew I was going into that room with an unprepared scene, a scene that was not crafted enough to be presentable... but as a final we had to do it anyway.
I was actually please with most of what Drew said, although most of it wasn't as positive as I would have liked... it was great constructive criticism.

He told me that he at first thought (with my size) that I was unfitting as the role of Agnes but after seeing the scene he saw that it oddly worked. It gave me a sort of vulnerability, being a larger female that you can't necessarily get from being skinny. He told me that in some instances, such as Agnes's breakdown, I pulled the emotion from nowhere (which I need to work on) and that it really wasn't believable partly due to my partner not grasping her role of the therapist. (and I sort of do feel bad because it seemed the notes of things done wrong were pushed mostly on my partner and the few positive notes were mine. I know she noticed that after a comment made after class. )He gave great criticism and even told me that he would like to see me do more Agnes of God scenes in the future which really kind of made it all worth it. It made me feel that for once I actually did something right for Drew, even though it wasn't anywhere even close to perfect.... That he could see potential in me as an actress. I knew that playing Agnes would be a long shot for me because of my size, but it was something that I really wanted to try and do. I wanted to try and make a role work for me even though I am larger. It is an intense scene and I really wish that I would of had more time to work on it than just a few days. More time to craft it. I was told by a classmate that he believes that I do have the emotional vulnerability that it takes to play that character and that he thought I did a pretty decent job. That also made me feel better about the scene. I agree, I do have the emotional vulnerability and many personal experiences to pull from. The hardships in life are things that can help an actor.

I am very anxious for my next acting class with Drew. Now that I understand the methods and have soaked in everything he taught me this semester. I do believe being in that Adv. Acting class was the best thing in the world for me.

I was thrown into his Adv. Acting class after never working with him which really sort of scared me from day one. The Acting 1 class we freshmen music theatre majors took our first semester of college taught us nothing. So when I walked into Drew's class his for lecture really hit me. That caused me to hold back and not work. I did eventually towards the end of the semester start to work my little tail off and he even told me that he wished that I would of done this sort of work early on. IT is just I went into that class with nothing, a fresh slate. And that slate was scribbled over with my first scene attempt.

I am thinking about starting over though. Although already taking Adv Acting I think that next fall I Am going to take Acting 1 with Drew to work on my technique and learn more about crafting and such. I will also take his scene study class as well, but I believe that taking that Acting 1 class and starting from the beginning with him is the best option for me.

I am excited, anxious... to act... to work... to do more scenes....

which is the feeling I have been waiting to feel for sometime now.

procrastinator takes a break

So in today's news..

Sara Turner has actually finished her enrollment and it isn't the day before or the second day into the spring semester. That is right ladies and gents, Sara enrolled on time... even early if you will.

I think she deserves a cookie....

or a big cup of coffee.

Therapeutic Painting

I spent this evening painting Kasey's room and it was so therapeutic. I feel amazing right now and I Am not quite sure as to why. I just concentrated so much on the painting that I forgot about right now and all of my current problems. I left "now" and ventured to some surreal world where everything was perfect.

I would give anything to live in that world always.

in complete please...

So the votes are in... Sara Turner is officially sick and will not be doing her fall juries.

I really am rather upset about it. I have worked really hard and just wanted to go in there and do it. I was even excited..... but I guess it is for the best. Brian (my voice instructor) said today after I attempted to sing in masterclass, "You are not singing tomorrow Sara, I mean it didn't sound that bad but you have worked far to hard this semester and come to far to just do an okay jury. You are not going to do a jury until you can WOW them."

I am just so frustrated that I am sick AGAIN. And it really stinks that I have to take an incomplete in ANOTHER course. I already have to do in completes in my dance classes and now voice? My grades are going to suffer...

and I am going to spend alllll Winter break NOT singing since I was planning on just taking a little month and a half break..... so when I come back in Jan and do my make up juries... I will be horrible.

It is basically a lose-lose situation my friends! The only small win being the fact that I still don't have a monologue and now I guess I don't have to worry about it.

I am now sitting in Wilner waiting for Shara to get here so that we can work on our scene for Drew's Final. How exciting is that when I don't even have much of a voice.

I am just glad that school is almost finished.... all I have left is my communications final, acting final, and that stage managment final.

PLEASE END SOON.

Loves.

200 girls belting as high as they can!

I am now driving my new car and I couldn't be happier! (How is it that whenever I say something that is lyrics from a musical that song automatically gets stuck in my head?!?!)

For example : ( We couldn't be happier, Right, dear?Couldn't be happierRight hereLook what we've gotA fairy-tale plotOur very own happy ending) - WICKED

I AM THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE WORLD!

One of the girls auditioning tonight made a comment on how I knew all the words to every song that every person sang tonight... and I was like... yeah.. well that is what I get for being amusic theatre kid.

Thank you to all who helped me out during my car less times!!

I have spent the last few days playing stage manager for RWS, a casting company who was in town holding auditions. It actually was a really interesting experience, seeing it done their way. Everyone did a wonderful job, and a special congrats to my lovely WSU ladies! I was unable to audition due to me being unable to dance (knee) and being sick. I did enjoy working the auditions though! There were a ton of talented people! AND... I was very surprised to that all of the people that were here with RWS were so nice! I enjoyed working with them! I am sending in my head shot, resume, etc. in since I didn't audition. I wish I would of!! At least they know my name, since I was their handy dandy SM and all. :) There is even a possible SM position for me, which I hope works out!

The master class they taught today was also very beneficial! I have many notes and things I need to fix before my next audition! I am so glad they were here!

I also just turned in my audition forms for the Mid West audition, eek. I barely made the dead line!!! Why do I wait till the last minute?

I still have yet to find a monologue, and on top of that I am having to find a scene for my ADV. Acting finals. We were hoping that Drew would just let us do our STOP KISS scene for the final... but no.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!

Along with the reviews to History of Music Theatre.

TO DO LIST:
-Get new head shots taken
-Find a monologue for juries
-Find a scene for final
-Write reviews for Hist. of MT (from all semester)
-get un sick before juries
-Decided what song I am starting juries with
-Clean apartment
-Send in head shot, resume, etc. to RWS
-Get tights without holes and colored leotard
-Type up newsletter for my dance academy
-Figure out recital details for my dance academy
-Pick a topic for my huge Hist of MT paper
-Read my entire communications book so that I don't fail final
-Learn all the words to my music before juries
-Name my new car :)
-loose 123657676747 pounds.

Okay that is good for now!

___
So I had a tiny break down in my voice lesson today. I have worked my behind off this semester and have grown so much as a singer thanks to Brian. I actually have been excited about my juries, because they are actually going to be good. Well I woke up this morning and I could barely talk! My throat hurts to incredibly bad! I tried to sing through it today and couldn't, because my jury songs are BELT BELT and even MORE... BELT. Brian told me to keep going and I just broke down into tears... I just said "I am so frustrated, I have worked so hard... so hard this semester for juries so that I can show them how far I have come in one semester... and now I am sick.. five days before juries. Of course I am sick... because I am not allowed to do well. " It is just so ... I am just so angry that I am getting sick! I have been taking wonderful care of my voice so that I sound good for juries... and NOW I AM SICK!

Please pray i get well.. I just... I worked so hard for this to throw it all away on a sore throat and nasty cough. Gag.



Oh, Did I tell you that we actually got an article published about our chalk demonstration?!?! OH I have some venting to do about that one... but later! I will save that for 3:00am when I can't sleep.

six days away

My fall music theatre juries are in six days and I do not have a monologue. I have spent so much time deciding which song should be my starting song that monologues slipped my mind. Actually, it was in the back of my mind... I have just been putting it off.

I am sitting here with the STOP KISS script in my hand (since it is what I happen to have right here) and I am listening to the recording I made during a rehearsal with my accompanist last week.

I wish I had my other scripts on hand, I just don't and I need to find something and start memorizing ASAP.

Looking through this script the only ones I find that are actually long enough to be a monologue are ones that have cunt and dyke as its every other words...that's what I get for looking through a play based on the relationships of two lesbians. Shara and I are doing a scene from this show for Drew's class and it is a wonderful scene, so why aren't there wonderful monologues? Not that these aren't good monologues, just not ones I am comfortable doing for my sophomore fall music theatre jury.

Hopefully I will find something soon... hopefully.

I AM SO UNORGANIZED!

Edit: Ah! I found two reasonable monologues.... I guess I will just memorize both and see which one I like better. I also plan on looking through some other stuff tomorrow

The best things happen while your dancing

I curled up today with a cup of chai and watch one of my favorite movies, White Christmas.

It was what I like to call a mental health afternoon, accomplishing nothing but pure happiness. Granted I had things that needed to be done, but nothing more important than soothing my soul.

I remember there was a time where I watched White Christmas everyday for months. Ah Childhood.

The sounds of something new.

Starting a new blog, this one for myself.

I guess it's purpose will be used for venting and just talking about life. Not a site I am planning on flaunting.

For all you strangers in cyber space, here I am... in the open.

Now it is 1:52 am on this very cold, snowy evening. I guess it actually is morning is it not? I do not like snow much, and that is a problem for me since there is quite a large amount of snow outside.

The roads are slick, and the sidewalks are slushy.

I hope everyone is safe in their adventures.

I however do not plan on any adventures for awhile.
I stayed in tonight do to being a bit depressed, thanks to my parents.

There has always been a bit of tension in that department which grew in great measures this afternoon as they ripped apart every bit of me. Criticizing my entire existence. Usually I wouldn't let this bother me, but it did. It did because most of the things they said were false. They said things that I didn't ever imagine they would say. And the spent a lot of time emphasizing on my weight, which is something that already is bothering me. They just hit close to home with every word and left me in a heap of sobs and hate. Hate is such a strong word, I know... but I do believe that was the feeling shooting through my veins.

I know it happens, everyone fights with their parents... but not like we fight. It really is unbelievable. I figured if I moved away, gave them space... then... everything would get better.

it did, but things will never be perfect...

especially when every time I see them they point out my flaws.

I know I have flaw, I know this.

It just brings me to tears that things always have to be like this. Why can't we just be a family, a family who doesn't hate each others every move.