Poet's Corner

I found a book of my old poetry. What memories. Funny thing is that I remember the exact moments that I sat down to write these. It has been many years and I have grown older and wiser, but it is quite interesting to look back on the workings of my mind.

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"A Dream Within A Dream"

A dream within a dream
swirling neutral colors
shadows creep upon me
people sorround my inner isolation
millions of faces crowding in on me
the fight begins
i see one here who tells me lies
I see him walk through walls
as he denies
He does so wrong and holds me tight
then walks the other with the light
work wonders on ones soul
he believes in forgivness
and has to be strong
to save me from danger
and save me from wrong
heart beating rapidly
he grasping my hand
banishing my fears away
just as he'd planned
I fall to pieces upon the floor
tear filled eyes
but I feel no fear
I can feel him near
a heart renwed
a last given chance
the battle was won
the enemy is past
hopes that he will not return
in a small bit of time
to fight once again
for a soul that is mine
I'll protect it from danger
I'll protect it from sin
I'll protect it from anger
so he will not get in
The light is quite strong
for the battle was won
by the one who is mighty
for he did not shun
I will praise him forever
for being so strong
and finding forgivness
for the girl who does wrong

“The Dance”

Now begins the Day

Of the Dance,

movement so amazing

and unique.

Now Begins the Day

of the Dance.

Beautiful

such an art.

Inspirational

such an art.

Pointe shoes divine

Pink ribbons you tie,

To begin the dance

Across the stage.

Beautiful

Such an art

Inspirational

For dancers all

Moving with grace

Being so beautiful

It’s a way to let all go,

Dance away your pain,

Pirroutte with the music’s tune

Upon a Stage!

A beautiful song,

And a beautiful dance.

"No Name"

tears desend from ones face like a cool summer rain
feeling this strange little quirk
running strong through the rain
running for all your anger and pain
trying to find a way out
out of life and love and misery
the pain is so great
you can feel it in all parts of your body
all parts of your gently twisted mind
It scares you like how a thunder storm scares those who fear them
there is this overwhelming feeling
that can not be explained

been a long time

I last wrote in July. In July I was overwhelmed with life and events that had occurred. The theatre that I Was working for, the theatre where I was getting paid not only to do what I love, but to play one of my dream roles, went bankrupt. They threw me out on the street. This happens to a lot of actors, true, but not before the show even opens! They went bankrupt before they even opened the show. Not only before it opened but while I was in rehearsal. That was painful. Sounds ridiculous and stupid, but it was painful. It hurt. It ripped me apart. I spent eight straight hours at uptown Martinis venting to my friend Katie who was bartending and Autumn, Gina, Chelsea and Jennie Beth had to come pick me up off the floor. It was a sad, sad sight and honestly nobody besides those four really knew that that had happened. That I sat at that bar with Katie for eight hours and drank martini after martini after beer after glass of wine. That has never happened before. I am surprised I didn’t die. I personally didn’t know that I could consume so much liquor. I look back know and can just imagine how God was looking down on me in disappointment. Watching me drown my sorrows in alcohol with money that I obviously didn’t have… like the town drunk who is too ashamed to go home so he just lives in bars and drinks each penny away. I don’t know what I would have done without those girls. I just felt like such a failure for something that wasn’t even my fault. Now I know this was months ago but the reason I bring that up is just it reflects a lot on upcoming events and actions. It marks a pattern of bad behavior.

In August the one person, that one family member who loved me unconditionally and who cared for me so much passed away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I haven’t felt pain that that since Julie died, and to be honest, this was more. This was so much more.
You know I think about Julie everyday of my life, and I think of my grandmother every day. I only wish my grandmother had a grave that I could visit, but her ashes are soon to be spread over some canon in New Mexico by my grandfather and mother and two uncles. I’m not invited.

I was with her through her last minutes. I remember her looking at me for the last time. She was basically in somewhat of a coma and I just prayed and prayed that she would open her eyes one more time and know that I was there. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. Josh and I were on either side of her. We knew the end was near and she… all of a sudden she took this big gasp and her eyes opened and I said I am here, I am here Grandma and she just looked at Josh and then looked at me and reached her hand up and touched my face and just looked at me. She tried to talk but couldn’t say anything and
I can’t do it, I can’t talk about it anymore. I can’t even see through my tears to type more. I need to stop, I will come back later.

It has been a long time...

It has been quite a while since I have written on this blog of mine. This blog was created for me to speak my mind, to vent about the cruelty of the world along with the beauty of it. I haven't had time, I have had inspiration, I haven't had courage.

A lot has happened since my last post in Feb, A distressed post about the strains of a bad audition and how it can change everything. I am over that, obviously, months later. It was quite ridiculous, to be so angry at myself for 8 seconds of a 90 second audition. How absurd.

It is summer now and I am only a few days away from my birthday. One year old. I am supposed to be one year wiser, but that certainly isn't the truth. What is the truth? Who knows, I sure do not.

The newest addition to my household is Truman. Truman is a spunky and loveable kitten who brightens each day of mine. He sits now, on my shoulder, watching me type. He gently bats at my hair and kisses my face with his rough feline tongue. I receive such great love from this small creature. He loves me unconditionally and makes me feel fantastic. Truman truly knows how to comfort one who is in a sense "down in the dumps." Things are just happening so fast. Time moves so fast. This summer has been turned upside down with each step that I have taken. It started out so wonderful, and I was proud of myself. Proud of the achievements and leaps and bounds I had made in every aspect of my life. Day by day those feelings of pride and ambition are peeled away like slowly disintegrating posters on a wall.

You know the type of wall I am speaking of. For instance, in New York, there are walls full of posters and cards and pictures. Each pasted on top of each other to where there are layers and layers of life. Layers and layers of secrets. Layers and layers of truths and lies. I feel like that wall. I am a "wall" with layers and layers of things built up over years. Some things garbage, some things brilliant, some truths, some lies. Each day something is peeled away and that is a good thing and a bad thing. Depends on which way you look at it. I don't know which way is right, all I know is that I am being peeled by this world. Ripped to shreds by each step, each breath, each blink.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was simple and careless? Everyone feels that way. My room mate sat the other day, smoking a cigarette, and was watching Truman. She said, "For every thirty minutes of play, he needs three hours of rest. Wouldn’t that be the life? No cares, no worries, just exploring this world and then you get to take a long nap."

I don't know if that would be "the life" but it would be nice to rid myself of all my cares. I have such a problem with dwelling in my problems. "Take it one day at a time" I hear. "Can you fix it right now in this moment? Then why worry." But I can't help it. It is in my nature to over analyze, to spend hours not sleeping replaying my day in my head and pin pointing all my mistakes. I don't even take the time to pin point all of my victories and moments of growth as a human. Who knows, maybe I am making no growth as a human. The only thing that is growing is my size, but lets not get into that.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “

I need to take a break from writing. I will continue later. I will try to keep it consistant.

Now..

I haven't written since July. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Life is complicated.

Everything is complicated.

My faith is struggling, my love is struggling, everything is killing me... bringing me down.

The only stable thing was my career.... my performing. I was at a high.. things were wonderful..

now that is struggling because of 90 seconds. The way I feel about myself is struggling because 90 seconds. Because 8 of those 90 seconds I screwed up... so 8 seconds of my life is making me question everything.



to be continued.

Before the summer began I was told this by a few people: This summer... you need to figure out what you want.

I took this beyond what I want, to who I am. I don't know me, I didn't know me at all.

This summer was suppose to be a summer of discovery. Mostly a summer of discovering more about myself. This was my one and only goal, to figure out me. To figure out what I want out of life...

The summer has turned out thus far to be one of the bumpiest roller coaster rides I have been on in my life. It has been full of heart ache, friendship, adventures, romance, amazing blessings, horrible luck, etc.
I am still waiting to see what comes of this summer, what comes of my road to self discovery. I am waiting to see how this summer works in my life.

But I do have a little to show for the discovery part of things:

I have thus far discovered that you can't always trust people. That friends who you were close to, people who you have lived with can turn out to be completely different people than you thought you knew them to be.

I have discovered so many new things in my relationship with God. Somethings good, somethings bad.... but have learned so much and have grown so much. I have really discovered that I need to stop worrying so much, that God will see me through. He will work good through me. I should depend on God and not worry myself into a fit.

I have discovered that no matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone who is one step in front of you on the road to self destruction.

I have discovered my really random passion and talent for photography.

I have discovered NEVER take a job that is at all shady. You may be out $800 that you worked your ass off for.

I have discovered not to assume, not to judge... for things will most likely turn out opposite of what you expect. This is sometimes a GREAT thing if you are pessimistic, like me... OR this can turn out to be a really really bad thing... for those times you decide to stop being negative and take the optimistic side of things.

I have discovered that I should of left when I had the chance. I regret it... always.

I have discovered that sometimes you just need to... be adventurous.

I have discovered that I do have a temper, and need to learn how to control it.





THIS list is to be continued as the summer progresses.

out of tune piano

My mind is swirling a thousand miles a minute, there is no way I would ever be able to sleep tonight.

A lot has happened over these hours I have spent of self discovery, and I believe that every moment of this evening is crucial to the person I am trying so desperately to become.

My eyes have been opened that's to a series of unexplainable events, and I fully believe that everything that was set upon my heart tonight was meant to be there.

Some of it is very painful, some of it exciting.. some of it confusing, and some of it calming to the soul.

I received a reality slap, a complete and total mental make over and saw how much I need to mature as well as grow.

Tonight, this whole week has been challenging but a great learning experience.

My mind is full of so many unexplainable things, I am not even sure if I know what they all mean. But I suppose that is for the better, not to fully know or understand all. I must grow in wisdom, and with this change in my this new found wisdom will come.

It is as if all life's lessons I've learned thus far have all at once come crashing back into my mind to actually make some sort of sense.

All of this with the help and strength of God who has been with me every second during this emotionally taxing time.

I don't know if I should be excited or scared.

I don't know how to explain this feeling inside me....

I just need the world to stop for a second so that I can get on because it is spinning so fast that I can barely grasp the reality of it all.