It has been a long time...

It has been quite a while since I have written on this blog of mine. This blog was created for me to speak my mind, to vent about the cruelty of the world along with the beauty of it. I haven't had time, I have had inspiration, I haven't had courage.

A lot has happened since my last post in Feb, A distressed post about the strains of a bad audition and how it can change everything. I am over that, obviously, months later. It was quite ridiculous, to be so angry at myself for 8 seconds of a 90 second audition. How absurd.

It is summer now and I am only a few days away from my birthday. One year old. I am supposed to be one year wiser, but that certainly isn't the truth. What is the truth? Who knows, I sure do not.

The newest addition to my household is Truman. Truman is a spunky and loveable kitten who brightens each day of mine. He sits now, on my shoulder, watching me type. He gently bats at my hair and kisses my face with his rough feline tongue. I receive such great love from this small creature. He loves me unconditionally and makes me feel fantastic. Truman truly knows how to comfort one who is in a sense "down in the dumps." Things are just happening so fast. Time moves so fast. This summer has been turned upside down with each step that I have taken. It started out so wonderful, and I was proud of myself. Proud of the achievements and leaps and bounds I had made in every aspect of my life. Day by day those feelings of pride and ambition are peeled away like slowly disintegrating posters on a wall.

You know the type of wall I am speaking of. For instance, in New York, there are walls full of posters and cards and pictures. Each pasted on top of each other to where there are layers and layers of life. Layers and layers of secrets. Layers and layers of truths and lies. I feel like that wall. I am a "wall" with layers and layers of things built up over years. Some things garbage, some things brilliant, some truths, some lies. Each day something is peeled away and that is a good thing and a bad thing. Depends on which way you look at it. I don't know which way is right, all I know is that I am being peeled by this world. Ripped to shreds by each step, each breath, each blink.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was simple and careless? Everyone feels that way. My room mate sat the other day, smoking a cigarette, and was watching Truman. She said, "For every thirty minutes of play, he needs three hours of rest. Wouldn’t that be the life? No cares, no worries, just exploring this world and then you get to take a long nap."

I don't know if that would be "the life" but it would be nice to rid myself of all my cares. I have such a problem with dwelling in my problems. "Take it one day at a time" I hear. "Can you fix it right now in this moment? Then why worry." But I can't help it. It is in my nature to over analyze, to spend hours not sleeping replaying my day in my head and pin pointing all my mistakes. I don't even take the time to pin point all of my victories and moments of growth as a human. Who knows, maybe I am making no growth as a human. The only thing that is growing is my size, but lets not get into that.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “

I need to take a break from writing. I will continue later. I will try to keep it consistant.