I didn't even get to say goodbye.

But the hardest thing to do is say goodbye, so I guess you saved me the trouble.

I miss you. Did you know that?

ET PHONE HOME.

I am not complete without you here effing things up beside me.

Things won't ever be the same... so hopefully they will only get better.

I love you.

Tears....

"You've got to give a little, take a little,And let your poor heart break a little.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.Youve got to laugh a little, cry a little,Until the clouds roll by a little.Thats the story of,thats the glory of love.As long as theres the two of us,Weve got the world and all its charms.And when the world is through with us,Weve got each others arms.Youve got to win a little, lose a little,Yes, and always have the blues a little.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love"

I got a callback. :)

and how....

I really don't like Valentine's Day, although I don't exactly know why I am complaining about it now seeing that it is the 15th of February. Nevertheless, I dislike the holiday. It is a day meant for making people like me realize that they are alone and they will always be alone. Growing up as bag ladies with there 57 and 1/2 cats. Now I may not grow to be a bag lady or grow to have 57 and 1/2 cats but it is certain that I will grow to love no one. My few attempts at love have been disastrous leaving me to be somewhat of a... oh I don't know... a lonely bitter man-hating feminist who has plenty more to piss her off than just men.





So I am here on this Valentine's Day evening sitting in my actually freakishly clean apartment alone. I did have plans to spend the evening with my best friend drowning our sorrows in season three of (a show I'd never actually admit to liking) and lots of other guilty pleasures but that all changed when she did end up getting a Valentine's Date. I saw it coming of course. Men fall head over heals for her and although it makes me sick to my stomach and it gets a little old at times... I am use to it. I am use to the fact that every man in Wichita and surrounding states find my best friend simply irritable. I did have a Valentine, I mean I do have one. Matt Nutter called me last night really late and asked me to be my ?Valentine and that he would UN-gay himself and date me for one day. Funny I know. Too bad I did not see him even once today because I was practicing my clarinet during our lunch date since my lesson was moved to today at 1:00.





Speaking of clarinets, I found it hilarious that my clarinet professor decided to act as my therapist today. It was quite funny in fact. She old me she had always wanted to be a therapist and so we talked about things that were troubling me. She told me that from day one of meeting me that she knew I was messed up... I was thinking as in day one being our first lesson... and she said that day one was actually meaning the time we actually met at Red Robin when I was her waitress and we started talking about the WSU music program and what not. Nevertheless, I had a therapy session today instead of a lesson. I managed to play maybe one scale and that is all we could fit in. Ridiculous.





So my Midwest audition is less than two weeks away and I am very nervous. People have had their music and monologues picked out for weeks, even months... but not Sara the great. I still have yet to pick a song or monologue. I have many performance ready, don't get me wrong.. I just haven't made a final decision yet or rehearsed it with the time limit and what not. And besides picking out my audition material I have got to book a hotel, update my resume, figure out who is driving, take my head shots to kinkos and make a bazillion copies... etc etc etc. That all is very important bu I have got to pick audition material asap. Tomorrow. Brian wants me to sing We Deserve Each other... He told me that it shows off my voice and that I sing the snot out of it... but I really just don't want to sing it. I don't at all in fact. So we argued about that to day. Speaking of Brian and today, I must say that I had a FABULOUS voice lesson today. The first good one I have had all semester! It is about time and I am really happy that he was pleased with my work. From point one I sang and he stopped me and said "Who are you? and where have you been hiding this voice all semester." It was great to actually do something well this semester.





Children of Eden auditions tomorrow, woo hoo. I am just so excited. *Note: That sentence was overflowing with sarcasm. If I am ready for any auditions it is COE. I mean once I finish memorizing the music.





I guess overall things are a tad bit better, I am accepting the fact that there is no way I am leaving this semester. Now if I would only go to class. And if I would sleep! This no sleep thing has got to stop. This only sleep for two hours and then not for days... and then over load on coffee and other things... it is going to kill me.





So the best friend is moving to Ohio on Sunday, what a change this will be. I am tempted to go up there with her, screw Kansas. Oh wait, I forget! I CAN'T LEAVE. I can but I can't. Ah, we've been over this.Whatever, I think the distance between us will be good for us. I will miss her, muchly.





It is really really really cold in this apartment. I think the heater is broken. Oh and did I mention that it is snowing again? I hate snow. Give me rain, give me a tornado, anything. This crap has got to stop.





I went to the music library and checked out about five books of music that were suggested to me. I have been spending all my spare time trying to pick music for this semester. A little late, I know... all because of my make up juries.. which I still haven't done. Wow I am just doing great this semester aren't I.








Ah so that is my life.

I really need to stop being so negative.

Well on the bright side of things, I am getting more on track spiritually. Again. I am back to reading my Bible everyday and having much needed quiet times. I am back to studying the book of James, one I have studied many a times. It is a small book but has much to it. I sometimes spend a long long time on just a few verses. Nevertheless, I am feeling better. I am getting back onto the road of where I want to be.

So about that list of resolutions and goals... I want to try another crack at it. I thought that all hope was lost... but I want to try again. So I will....

I am not leaving anymore so I need to make the best of being here.

And the only way to do that is get my life back on track... work towards those goals... strengthen my relationship with the Lord... and the other things.

I am still depressed out of my mind... but I am going to try once again to work past it.

Un-Welcoming Commitee.

I visited my old church this morning, and I have never felt more unwelcome in my entire life. I received many of those "What is she doing here looks" rather than hellos and hugs. I switched to a different church and now I am no longer welcome there? That is really silly.

Nevertheless, it was nice to see everyone, whether they talked to me or not. My how the children have grown up. I loved the children in that church, I loved working in the nursery and with Wee Worship. They all have gotten so old... how time flys.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

The things that have been going through my head these past few weeks, wow. Not only do I feel completely empty inside but I feel unable to breath. I sat with my Bible yesterday and read his word trying I guess to find some comfort in the fact that although everything around me is crumbling to the ground, my relationship with him is still there. Although it isn't holding as strongly as I would hope it to, it is still there. As I have gone through the week it felt as if I am just going through the motions. I didn't even really go to that many classes because I just didn't feel the need to with me leaving and all. Now I don't even know if that is happening. I threw such a fit last time they were talking about me going away and now when I actually want to they think it is a bad idea. Like I am wanting to play crazy for a few months to get out of this ridiculous horrible little town. They can see right past the plan I built for myself. True, I don't need to go away but I want to so badly that playing crazy and getting shipped off sounds pretty dang amazing when compared to staying here. So... That is not going to happen, unfortunately. I made these big plans about getting away, even went and filled out drop slips and all... and now I am staying here. I have talked to many people about the "me leaving" situation and everyone does think that yes, I do need to get away but that I should wait until summer or next semester to get away. Not run out on all of my obligations of this semester. Like all my shows, and my job, and classes, and all of those other little things. So... I guess they are right, I can't run from my problems and obligations although I tried. Although I tried to run, I can not. So this summer, if I don't get a job from a theatre (which I probably won't) I am gone. And I have already talked to my advisers about me not being here this fall semester. Where will I go? I have not a clue. But I believe that God will guide me to somewhere... somewhere where I can breath, where I can live in peace and live for him. The only problem is that if I leave, just for a few months to clear my head and figure out what I want... I know I won't come back. I know I will not come back. As much as I say it now, that I will just take a few months to figure things out and return back to Kansas, school, my life... but I know that I won't come back. I just spend each day praying to God to guide me in the right direction because I need so much for his guidance. I can't do it alone, I have for so long and I know that no matter what I am never going to feel complete, whole, accomplished if I do not do things with him by my side. In my Bible times I have been focusing a lot of Psalms 18 among others. Psalms18:16-19" He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. "

I think that one of my main problems with the whole staying on track with God things is who and what I surround myself with. I spend 75% of the time listening to my friends bash religion and I can't do it anymore. I mean, one of the only reasons I am still even a little bit sane is because of the Lord. because although things suck 95% of the time, he strengthens me. Gives me hope in the fact that everything is going to be okay. I mean why do I even care about anything or everything else. It is all so trivial, so dumb.

On a different note, I still have this lack of motivation problem. I so many auditions coming up soon. WSU's Children of Eden auditions are next week and I don't want to audition. The only reason I am is because if you are on MT scholarship you are required to audition for every show. Now I am not only audition for the show but actually auditioning for a part, thanks to the persuasive skills of Javier. He convinced me to audition for the part of Yonah. He will undoubtedly be Cain and he told me he would love most for me to play Yonah over the other females auditioning for the part. He said that the music sits well in my range (which it does) and that I fit the part well. So....It took a lot of convincing but he did it. So yesterday I picked up some music and am cracking away. So yes people, I am audition for Yonah, although I know I won't get it. This whole thing is a joke. I don't know why I am even going through with it. I am fine with just being in the Ensemble, because I know that is what is going to happen. No need to humiliate myself along the way.

Then Midwest is so soon. Only a few weeks away and I am anything but ready. I am so scared, so nervous. I don't know what I am singing, I haven't even run my song and monologue with the time limit. I am so lost. I haven't updated my resume, I haven't made my kinko's run with my head shots. I haven't even picked a head shot for Midwest or gotten new more professional ones taken. Don't get me wrong, I think that Kasey did a phenomenal job, just according to some people they aren't "professional enough" since they were done in some 18 year old's bedroom at three o'clock in the morning. Jeez. I need to get my ducks in a row and fast. Hunting season is starting ASAP and I am not even out of the house.

Then to make things even better, Brian has decided that he is going to take the classical approach with me this semester. Yes that is right... whipping out the Italian, German, French.... ridiculous. I really do not like singing classical music. And not only is he taking the classical approach but we are only working on my upper registrar and head voice this semester. SO now every time I or he picks out a song it is a super super high one. He even gave me a range of how high it has to be. I brought to him three pieces this morning all fairly high and he turned all three away saying the were not long enough. Actually.. He said I could work on the middle of COME DOWN FROM THE TREE.. the "la la" section and that is it. I am sorry but it is really frustrating. I hate my upper register, I am not comfortable with it and he will not let me sing what I am comfortable singing. Granted this is good for me, working on the upper register is good for me... but I don't want to do it. I mean he even said that FORGIVENESS from JANE EYRE sat two low. He is certain to turn me into a soprano. He told me that. He told me that "I am Turing you into the soprano you truly are." Did I mention that I hate sopranos, no offense to those of you who are. I do, they are so... unoriginal. I like the belt, character, fun songs. Not the floaty and flitzy crap. gr. Enough complaining.

I might just say screw my therapist and leave anyway. I have got to get out of here!

As a goodbye, I should fix the loose ends.

Here I go.

20 somethings to 20 somebodies


1.Honestly, I really do wish that we could of worked things out. You were all I had for awhile and now I don't have you at all. I still to this day do not even know why. Hopefully you love your drug addiction more than you ever loved me.


2.It isn't bitchiness, it is mixed emotions. I don't know quite how I feel. I am a whirlwind of feelings about to explode. So it isn't you, it's me.

3.I feel bad for walking into your life. I don't deserve the kindess you've shown me. No worries, I am gone now... so things can go back to being less complicated.

4.I do not agree with your decisions, and I think you are making a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. But what do I know?



5. You are a different person now...
why did you change?



6.You tore us all apart for your own personal enjoyment. I know that, I am not as dumb as I seem. I was however, dumb enough to thing it meant something when it didn't. I was dumb enough to eat up that line of bullshit you fed to me.


7.You put yourself in this situation, and I really don't feel sorry for you at all. In fact, I am kind of glad karma is kicking you in the face.


8.Stop hurting me. I don't deserve it...and when I get the nerve I will say it to your face.


9.I would do anything.... give anything... to go back and fix things.... I am sorry that I hurt you, and I would do anything to go back and change it all.... just know that to this day, 3 1/2 years later... that my actions still haunt me.



10.You inspire me.


11.My mind will eventually forget,
But my heart will never forgive you.


12.You are starting to sound
just like I did... how ironic is that?


13.I miss you so much. It still hurts just as bad, if not worse. I think of you everyday. I paid you a visit the other day, in the snow. I cried about it for the first time in months. I just wish it could of been me instead. You were worth something. You were bright, beautiful, talented, amazing. I love you.

14. I still love you, through everything. I still love you enough to walk away.

15. Did you know that this would be the month? I think about it every morning I wake up.

16. Thank you for being there. Thank you for the random goodnights and joyful hellos. The talks, the coffee, the friendship. Thanks for being a goofball with me, and putting a big smile on my face. Thanks for trying your hardest to make everything okay. Thank you for cards in the RSC, and random phone conversations that begin with "Are you wearing clothes right now." Thanks for funny pictures, and fabulous-ness. Thanks for our secret handshake and for running into poles.I really don't know what I would do without you right now...


17. I sometimes wish that nowadays I could just come and curl up in a ball and cry under your desk like I could in high school. When I could skip class and come sit there in total silence and feel better. I read that book the other day, I think I may pay you a visit. I need it badly, I'm lost and have made a very big decision. I know you'll honor that decision.

18. I try so hard to fix things, and although people think it's crazy I still want to. It is funny because you don't deserve the fact that I care how it turns out in the end.. and that I can't just walk away.

19. I miss you, come home.




20. Let me go. Please, just let me go.

Decisions

You've got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.
Youve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
Until the clouds roll by a little.Thats the story of,
thats the glory of love.
As long as theres the two of us,
Weve got the world and all its charms.
And when the world is through with us,
Weve got each others arms.
Youve got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love




So I have made a big decision. It was a difficult one, but I believe that God is guiding me in this new path so I Am going to go with it. It is what is best, it is what I need.

Things are going to be alright.

Most of you will find out about it eventually, in Wichita things are never really a secret.

So...

yeah.

I am not going to say that I am NOT scared, because I am.

I know that nobody knows what they want out of life, whether they think so or not. So I know that I am not the only one who is confused, lost, depressed, etc.

My best friend decided in on night to move to Ohio, so in two weeks she will be gone. She dropped all her classes, quit her job, ect. She is depressed, lost, confused and just needs to get out of Kansas to figure herself out. Figure out what she wants out of life, figure out who she is. If you have ever read any of my previous rants you probably know that this is something I have considered doing for quite some time.

I mean, I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know who I am... I am stuck in this imaginary world basically. I keep trying to find myself and keep finding myself in the same place. It is like I am going around in circles or something, if that makes any sense at all. In fact, I wrote a blog about a year ago and when I re-read over it tonight I realized how I feel the same way now... a year later. Nothing has changed.

Here are my words:

Mixed emotions are the worst.
So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
But... I can't be happy or anything with myself after some of the decisions I have made these past few weeks. I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.
I mean, I am never going to not have depression in my life... it is apart of me as much as I hate to say it...
but I can't sit and have this negative outlook.


Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.
Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretend....Pretend that I am in this perfect world and pretend that I will just have things handed to me. I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.
and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.
I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
I love it I do, I do so much... and it makes me happy believe it or not... yes, me ... I Can be happy... there are things that make me happy... but sometimes it seems like it is not enough.. sometimes it hits me that I can't live in this made up world any longer...
and being realistic is the hardest thing for me to do...
Ah.. I was so happy.. I was so happy and I thought that everything was perfect and I was actually for once... actually going to be worth something... but I guess that isn't true... Speaking of reality.. in ALL reality I am going to be nothing, and they know that and I know that but I don't want to force myself to believe it... I can't force myself to believe it..because I love it too much to want to let go and give up...
I know it is hard for a child to give up their dreams ... who ever said that is was a piece of cake for an adult to do so?
I am so confused and I thought that I knew, and I prayed for a sign, and I thought I had gotten one, but I guess it wasn't anything more than luck.
Luck... Luck has never played me a fair hand... life has never played me a fair hand either...
it is like they all are out to get me and all I want is to live in my stupid made up fantasy, and I don't know why.
I don't know why I want it.. I don't know what it is for... I don't know ...
I... I don't know
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
HEY... it's never going to happen and it hits you hard as it has hit me tonight.
AND NO, I am not being pessimistic, I Am being realistic which hurts... hurts so bad.
and it is not that I am giving up, I am just being .. what is it kids? Realistic!and there will always be that magically "What if" in the back of my mind... and it will always be in my heart, locked deep down inside of me.... but there will always be a
WHAT IF
in my mind.
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
People believe so much that I have things that I really don't have... hi expectations of me I guess... welll I am out to ruin everyone's expectations of me... because I am not who you think I am.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.

I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.

Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries

and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.

My only question is... What now?