Before the summer began I was told this by a few people: This summer... you need to figure out what you want.

I took this beyond what I want, to who I am. I don't know me, I didn't know me at all.

This summer was suppose to be a summer of discovery. Mostly a summer of discovering more about myself. This was my one and only goal, to figure out me. To figure out what I want out of life...

The summer has turned out thus far to be one of the bumpiest roller coaster rides I have been on in my life. It has been full of heart ache, friendship, adventures, romance, amazing blessings, horrible luck, etc.
I am still waiting to see what comes of this summer, what comes of my road to self discovery. I am waiting to see how this summer works in my life.

But I do have a little to show for the discovery part of things:

I have thus far discovered that you can't always trust people. That friends who you were close to, people who you have lived with can turn out to be completely different people than you thought you knew them to be.

I have discovered so many new things in my relationship with God. Somethings good, somethings bad.... but have learned so much and have grown so much. I have really discovered that I need to stop worrying so much, that God will see me through. He will work good through me. I should depend on God and not worry myself into a fit.

I have discovered that no matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone who is one step in front of you on the road to self destruction.

I have discovered my really random passion and talent for photography.

I have discovered NEVER take a job that is at all shady. You may be out $800 that you worked your ass off for.

I have discovered not to assume, not to judge... for things will most likely turn out opposite of what you expect. This is sometimes a GREAT thing if you are pessimistic, like me... OR this can turn out to be a really really bad thing... for those times you decide to stop being negative and take the optimistic side of things.

I have discovered that I should of left when I had the chance. I regret it... always.

I have discovered that sometimes you just need to... be adventurous.

I have discovered that I do have a temper, and need to learn how to control it.





THIS list is to be continued as the summer progresses.

out of tune piano

My mind is swirling a thousand miles a minute, there is no way I would ever be able to sleep tonight.

A lot has happened over these hours I have spent of self discovery, and I believe that every moment of this evening is crucial to the person I am trying so desperately to become.

My eyes have been opened that's to a series of unexplainable events, and I fully believe that everything that was set upon my heart tonight was meant to be there.

Some of it is very painful, some of it exciting.. some of it confusing, and some of it calming to the soul.

I received a reality slap, a complete and total mental make over and saw how much I need to mature as well as grow.

Tonight, this whole week has been challenging but a great learning experience.

My mind is full of so many unexplainable things, I am not even sure if I know what they all mean. But I suppose that is for the better, not to fully know or understand all. I must grow in wisdom, and with this change in my this new found wisdom will come.

It is as if all life's lessons I've learned thus far have all at once come crashing back into my mind to actually make some sort of sense.

All of this with the help and strength of God who has been with me every second during this emotionally taxing time.

I don't know if I should be excited or scared.

I don't know how to explain this feeling inside me....

I just need the world to stop for a second so that I can get on because it is spinning so fast that I can barely grasp the reality of it all.

Courage, Fear, Change

True Courage comes from God, from understanding that he is stronger than our mightiest foes and wants to use his strength to help us.

"Be Strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouragedFor the Lord your God is with you wherever you do." Joshua 1:9

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you.I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

One of the scariest things in this world is Change, but we must all be content and hopeful that the Lord will carry us through to better times. Change may be part of God's plan for us. We can trust God to take care of us through the changes. Change is something we all fear, but we should not fear for the Lord is with us. Just as it says in his scripture that:

"The Lord your God is with you!" Deuteronomy 20:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, what should I be afraid of?" Psalm 27:1

Fear is normal. Being paralyzed by fear, however, can be an indication that you doubt God's ability to care for you in the face of change.
If you take all your courage from another person, you will be left with nothing when that person is gone. IF your trust in God, you will have the strength to go on even when circumstances collapse around you.

Change is something that I myself have always been afraid of. I let fear stand in the way of my life. I am learning each and everyday to full trust the Lord and his will, that he will guide me. The Lord will take care of me for he has a divine plan for me. He created me to do great things. I must not fear, just trust in the Lord's will. Trust that he will guide and come to my aid. Trust that he is always present. He walks besides me and dances through life with me. He is mighty and strong and through him I have strength through all of my trials.

The Lord God is with you, he is mighty to save. HE will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his Love. he will rejoice over you with Singing" Zephaniah 3:17

God's plans for us are always for good. Unknown plans can be frightening, but when the plans belong to God, we can rest assured that we can expect something marvelous.

I must not fear, for the Lord will be my guide. He formed me for his great plan. I must trust his word as well as his love for me. The Lord will provide. The Lord created me for great things.

The Lord will FIGHT FOR YOU, you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14

I have great difficulty in just being still and letting God in. Sometimes it feels like I am praying to a wall and all of my praises and prayers bounce off the wall and right back. I must let the Lord in. I must strive to seek wisdom.

Remember:

May 3-5 7:30 PM May 6 2:00 PM

Wilner auditorium

CHILDREN OF EDEN

You can't stop the beat...

I am SOOO stoked for the new HAIRSPRAY movie.

So excited!

Of all the gifts we have received

One is most precious and most terrible

The will of each of us is free

It's in our hands

And if we hear a voice

If he speaks again, our silent father

All he will tell us is the choice

Is in our hands

Our hands can choose to drop the knife

Our hearts can choose to stop the hating

For ev'ry moment of our life

Is the beginning...

There is no journey gone so far

So far we cannot stop and change direction

No doom is written in the stars

It's in our hands...

We cannot know what wil occur

Just make the journey worth the taking

And pray we're wiser than we were

In the beginning

It's the beginning

Now we begin...

Children of Eden

Grant us your pardon

All that we leave to you is the unknown

Children of Eden

Seek for your garden

You and your children to come

Some day to come home

Children of Eden
Wichita State University
Wilner Auditorium
May 3-5 7:30
May 6 3:00

Vote for Cassiday!!

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She is a hottie mctottie, a wonderful and amazing person... and a great friend of mine so vote away my lovelies!!

A lot is going to go down tomorrow. A lot.

no good.

La la la

I hit a high E flat today in my lesson. Brian was surprised/pleased to say the least. According to Him I am truly this coloratura soprano who is dieing to break out. I still don't even know what exactly a Coloratura is. I looked up some stuff and the Definition of Coloratura being: singing with florid ornamentation, powerful, dramatic, Acrobatic.
He said if I get these high notes really well then Marie will fall in love with me and force me to change me major to Opera which WILL NEVER happen. I guess I am pretty please with things though. Although I am sick I was hitting some unbelievable notes today with much ease.
I also have started singing a new song, from SIDESHOW.... and I have fallen in love with it. It is just.. I just love singing it. And it sure supplies that High E flat among other things.

Children of Eden has started, and let me say it will be one roller coaster ride, but I am excited. The music is amazing and we've already roughly learned most of it. Yes, most of it in two days... because in our department they like things to be rushed. Since I am still a little sick, I sometimes sit back and just listen to those around me... and so far it actually sounds pretty great. I know that this is going to be a wonderful show.
I am so excited for Dawn to arrive and start working the choreography, if anything what this show will have is amazing choreography from the original choreographer. Stoked.

Since spring break has ended I have been proud of my drive to get things accomplished. (especially along the lines of dance classes) ...
List of things this week that I am proud of:

-Today was the first day I actually jumped and turned on my left foot. Stepped right out and did a double with ease, which please me. I am excited that I am healing, just in time for Children of Eden. My jumps weren't amazing.. but hey... at least I got up the nerve to try... and it didn't even hurt that bad!

- I have actually been going to dance classes my friends! That's right.. yesterday morning I was in ballet class. Amazing.

-I managed to make it 20 minutes early for my 8:00am English class and I even participated in our intellectually challenged group discussions.

-I have been practicing my music out the wazoo and have memorized ALL of my music for the semester. (except for one of the two new pieces that I received yesterday)

-Although still a little on the ill side, my voice rehearsals with Julie and my make up lesson all went wonderfully. I was actually really proud of my singing for once. Its just... it just felt Nice to sing, and I haven't let that feeling come out in a long time. I have been so worried about all sorts of different things... but this week I just let go sang... glorious feeling.


-I have already gotten a head start on my next paper. WOW.


Anyway, now all I need to do is keep this drive up for the rest of the semester.

It is times like these...

that i hate being here the most.

So it is the marvelous spring break that everyone just waits and waits for. "It is the highlight of the spring semester." Bah. It is not that I have had a bad spring break so far, it is just... I don't fully understand the greatness of spring break, because I never really get a chance to just.. take a break. I planned to spend at least two hours a day at my coffee shop to just read, meditate, write, do artwork.. and I have yet to even step foot into the place. I have just been busy I guess. I planned on finally doing that today but then something horrible had to happen and I spent the day dealing with that. Isn't it ridiculous how things from your past decided to come back and screw up your life for no reason. Anyway, I am hoping to finally have some ME time tomorrow.

I am actually feeling a lot better although I still have a bit of the sniffles. In fact I have to blow my nose every five minutes. The head aches are still hanging around as well. But I am indeed better.

Saturday night was the magnificent St. Patrick's Day. I always seem to have great St. Patty's Days. For instance, last year was one of the funnest nights of 2006. I did have another wonderful St. Patty's day this year! I went to work that morning still sick as a dog and wanting to be anywhere but around my batch of hyper children. Surprisingly, my three and four year olds were very well behaved. They were just doing wonderfully!! The rest of my classes that morning were just as great, although small in numbers due to spring break. I left in a great mood and headed off to have lunch with the brilliant Gina. After a wonderful lunch full of old friends we headed to her house for our art therapy day. What a wonderful day it was!! Just sitting working on our art. We even watched Drop Dead Gorgeous for the second time this week. I adore that movie. REally. It is so clever and absolutely hilarious. It really isn't appreciated for the greatness it is. After our art day I headed to Stephen and Ben's house warming/st. patty's day party. I had a wonderful time. Not to mention the food was amazing thanks to the workings of Shaun-Michael. Brilliant cook he is. The night was full of laughter and good company.

Besides St. Patrick's Day the rest of spring break has been pretty decent. I was called to sub at the west branch and didn't know what I was getting myself into. I walk into this classroom and the parents just start going off about how their kids haven't learned anything and all they have been doing for the past few weeks is playing hokey pokey and jumping over blocks. I ws just amazed at how right they were. These children who have been in these dance classes for weeks didn't even know what first position was let alone anything else. And not to mention the fact that they were so poorly behaved. Their teacher has let them run around wild for weeks. Well I worked them hard. I tried to at least catch the kids up to where they should be. I also hired a new teacher for that branch. I feel sorry for the West branch because they don't even have an academy. Boy is that changing. That is my summer goal. To build and academy at the west branch. I think it will be quite full filling. I love sharing my passion for dance with children, and I can't wait to start this new program.


I am hoping to have some relaxing time over the next few days. I don't think that will happen because I will be spending my time reviewing applications and holding interviews to hire a new teacher for my academy. Someone who won't leave. I had to spend tonight getting yelled at by parents because of the fact that they never have the same teacher two weeks in a row. We had this problem when I started at the Y. That is the only class with that problem but the parents are still insisting on causing a scene and pulling their kids from the academy. I just stood there thinking "UGHH! this isn't my fault! Things happen! People quit there jobs and leave the rest of us in binds." Hopefully it will all work out. As of now I have a wonderful group of people to select from.

I have been lucky to spend time with the wonderful Crystal. It has been such a long time since we've had time to talk let alone have a lunch date. Twice this week we've hung out. How amazing is that? Today we went to our favorite place, Bella Luna.. and sat in our booth. Too bad they have a new cook at the central one and the food was not very good. We were very disappointed. We did have a chance to plan a sort of intervention on a friend of ours who needs to stop basically everything they are doing. This person needs to understand that he is not just hurting himself, but the people who love him so dearly. Everyone. He is hurting everyone. So... we are going to fix it.


I think that is enough talking. OFf to do more work... maybe work on some of my art...

T.

I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow.

I have heard this from many people I believe know what they are talking about:
"If you ever find yourself doubting your work, or even once think that maybe this isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life... then get out of it as fast as possible."

These past few days I have been very sick and have been held up in a living room with a box of Kleenex, a cup of tea, and my brain. My brain which has been thinking a lot about life, about every little detail.... about the future. And honestly, if I look ahead ten years.. I don't see anything. Whatever I see is blank... somewhat like a blank canvas but not even that certain. See with a blank canvas future, you at least know that something is ahead of you.. something you can create and mold to whatever you want it to be. With me... I just see blank. Nothing. And everything I put into that blank-ness doesn't seem to fit. Nothing seems to be right.

So... so what.. I am at that milestone in your life where you think "what do I want to do with the rest of my life." Everyone goes through it... probably multiple times. So.. I am there. At that "what do I want" stage.... and I ... I am completely lost.

Do I want to perform? Do I want to teach? Do I want to do technical work? Do I want to write? What do I want.

I just... I don't know. I mean, I do love the theatre so much. Performing... it just... I never feel better than when I am on a stage. I know I love it, people can tell. I mean someone I knew only for a few days told me "You do love it Sara, I can tell when you talk about it. You have this passion... that is contagious." But do I?

I know that.. like I have said before.. that I have to have change. I can't do the same thing day after day.

I looked back at something I wrote a few days ago and what I wrote was this:

"I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I'll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love."

I am just so complete and utterly confused. I know I love performing but sometimes it just... it seems like a joke. Like a I am living in this dream world. I know I will never be good enough to actually make it. I am good, but I can't see myself making a living do it. Dealing with the stress, the craziness... I can barely deal now. But then I think about life without it and that doesn't seem to make sense either. I need the stress, I need the nervous craziness I feel every time I walk into an audition... I need that feeling of accomplishment every time I do something wonderfully... every time I sing something in a lesson and I know that my professor is actually proud of me.

I just... I guess I am scared. I am scared of what I want. But I can't let fear hold me back from what I love. I have to fight for it.

Ah.. what am I even saying. I just... I... I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I just... confused.

I can't see myself doing theatre but then Ican't see myself doing anything else.

Someone asked me the other day if I were to change my major, what would I change it to. And I sat there and I thought about it... and I thought about it long and hard. I even asked them if I could get back to them.. and when I did the next day.. I said... honestly.. I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else...

but then I look ahead ot the future and see that blank-ness. I just...

I don't know.

Next week is spring break and for this first time in my life.. I have absolutely no obligations. I have a full week that I have nowhere I have to be. So I am going totake the week for me, and only me. Now I don't have money to go anywhere... heck, I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to the other side of town... so I am going to have to stay here and have this week of meditation... well.. here. I have spent so much of my life saying "I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow." ... It is getting a little late for that.

I just.. I don't know...


(any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.)

I am forced to believe that I can't be anything more than this. I just.. I don't know
I am so unbeliveably disapointed in myself that it is hard to see what I am typing through the tears streaming down my face. To think that I had come so far and then to throw it all away... and as much as I want to tell myself that it isn't that bad, I look and see that it really is that bad... it is horrible, I am horrible.



I just have this mix of emotions that are swirling through my head, so many emotions I can't keep them straight. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip all of the thoughts from my mind so that i will hurt no more.

I am not going to say that I am not scared, because I am. Very much so. I keep trying to find myself, find out who I am.. and then end up here..in this same place. with these same habits.

I am back to step one. Back to those old emotions, those old feelings. I am identical to myself a year ago, STILLL... and that scares me.


I have come nowhere...

and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry.

it is allthe same:


Mixed emotions are the worst.

So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.


Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.

Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretending.... I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.

and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.

I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.

I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.

Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries

and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.

My only question is... What now?

emotion

Sid just called and told me she was driving to Wichita. I couldn't be happier to hear that, although the situation sucks. I need her now, I need my best friend here going through all of this shit with me. Seeing her in somewhere around 18 hours will be good for me. I need to see her, I need her to be here.

After a nervous break down this week I thought about how much I needed some Blide time. So today I visited Blide and poured out my heart and soul. We talked for a long time about change, about how things are going in our lives. I heard updates on people from SE. I found out things I didn't want to know and things I was happy to hear.

Washington is getting married, Holt has terminal cancer... karver had a baby... this beyond many many other things.

wow how things change.

I don't know, it just was nice to have her there for me. It reminds me of high school where I could just run in and sit under her desk and cry whenever things were going wrong. Too bad I don't have that protection fromthe world anymore. I can't just run to Blides room so she can make everything okay.

and getting to talk to her at all was a miracle, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once a semester at most.


And about change....

I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I’ll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love.I can't handle this bullshit anymore. This same old crap.

Mal sent me a picture, a sonogram of my God child. She is already amazing.

I am just full of a lot of emotion today. I don't know why.

Who says Wichita doesnt' have talent

My Dear friend and fellow WSU Music Theatre major, JAvier Perez-Gomez, recently recorded a CD. Here are two songs from his CD. WOW AMAZING.




This is from Zanna, Don't

In Order: JAvier Perez-Gomez, Zack Powell, Kylie Jo Jennings, and Miss Desi Oakley

(dang I have talented friends :) )





This song is called FLight and was written by Craig Carnelia

Oh Lord... give me strength.... give me hope

I need strenght, I need hope... I need so much right now.

The caption that goes with the picture to the left says this:


"There are days Hope is only hanging by a string, but that is enough for me to wait for the door to open, and then my world will change. "




(photo by Kathlene Smith)

I always have been excellent at getting myself out of bad situations. I always get myself into this horrible situations, and in these holes.... and I always have been able to get myself out at the last minute.....

but this time...

I really don't think that I have what it takes to get out of the situation I've gotten myself in to.

I am just so stressed out, and overwhelmed, and completely mad at myself. In fact I hate myself at the moment (which isn't anything unusual) but right now I am just kicking myself for all of the mistakes I have made over the past few months.

I just hope and pray that everything works out, but I really just don't see that happening.

I am just.. I am just so mad at myself right now.

Help.

Remember Me

"There I was on the highest mountain in all the universe
standing right where an ancient people had disappeared or worse
around me were the Remnants of the lives they left behind
and all at once this feeling of this knowledge filled my mind
if i myself were to somehow someday up and disappear
What of me would be left behind to show that I'd been here
There I was on the highest mountain in all the universe
and the only things that I'd leave behind would be cluttering my purse
no carvings of creatures on ancient stone
if i vanished off the face of earth
and recognized that no...
except for you, you'd remember me
you're my friend, you'd remember

i never realized what I had to fight for and protect
the only way we live beyond our lives is to connect
and carve ourselves into the souls of those we love
There I was on the highest mountain always so prepared
here i am now in New york City
caught off guard
and scared.
so I need you, you'll remember me
i now you'll remember me
say that you'll remember me"

-Remember Me

Overcoming my biggest obstacle

"but please remember that you have a GIFT!!!Gifts are meant to be shared, you have many people who love you and believe in you because they seen the incredible talent that you have. What a fantastic way to do something that you love and Sara, you DO love this!! I can tell, it's all over your face when you talk about it. Don't let fear hold you back because that will only bring you down. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves out there and just go for it, even if it's not perfect, even if we fail. Just take a deep breath and sing. I hope that you will one day be able to lay all out on the stage and walk away with the feeling that you gave it everything you had. That's when you will leave people breathless. You have so much to give and offer and share with people and this passion for theatre that is contagious! Live your life with no regrets, and know that you can give 100% every time. Like I said it may not be 100% perfect, but that's the only way that we can grow and improve."


Thank you.

This person helped me overcome one of the biggest obstacles for me, performing wise. A total stranger who now has grown to be a friend. Someone who believed in me from the first moment she met me. Someone who saw something in me, a spark, from our first conversation. She helped me overcoming my biggest fear, and for that I am thankful.

Thanks for trying to help me overcome something I struggle with so much, believing in one of the thousands of total strangers you meet, and caring. It truly shows great of a person you are.We will probably never meet again, but know that I am totally blessed to of met you, because I do believe (like the song says) that you are led to people who help you most to grow... which is exactly what you did. :)

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

But the hardest thing to do is say goodbye, so I guess you saved me the trouble.

I miss you. Did you know that?

ET PHONE HOME.

I am not complete without you here effing things up beside me.

Things won't ever be the same... so hopefully they will only get better.

I love you.

Tears....

"You've got to give a little, take a little,And let your poor heart break a little.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.Youve got to laugh a little, cry a little,Until the clouds roll by a little.Thats the story of,thats the glory of love.As long as theres the two of us,Weve got the world and all its charms.And when the world is through with us,Weve got each others arms.Youve got to win a little, lose a little,Yes, and always have the blues a little.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.Thats the story of, thats the glory of love"

I got a callback. :)

and how....

I really don't like Valentine's Day, although I don't exactly know why I am complaining about it now seeing that it is the 15th of February. Nevertheless, I dislike the holiday. It is a day meant for making people like me realize that they are alone and they will always be alone. Growing up as bag ladies with there 57 and 1/2 cats. Now I may not grow to be a bag lady or grow to have 57 and 1/2 cats but it is certain that I will grow to love no one. My few attempts at love have been disastrous leaving me to be somewhat of a... oh I don't know... a lonely bitter man-hating feminist who has plenty more to piss her off than just men.





So I am here on this Valentine's Day evening sitting in my actually freakishly clean apartment alone. I did have plans to spend the evening with my best friend drowning our sorrows in season three of (a show I'd never actually admit to liking) and lots of other guilty pleasures but that all changed when she did end up getting a Valentine's Date. I saw it coming of course. Men fall head over heals for her and although it makes me sick to my stomach and it gets a little old at times... I am use to it. I am use to the fact that every man in Wichita and surrounding states find my best friend simply irritable. I did have a Valentine, I mean I do have one. Matt Nutter called me last night really late and asked me to be my ?Valentine and that he would UN-gay himself and date me for one day. Funny I know. Too bad I did not see him even once today because I was practicing my clarinet during our lunch date since my lesson was moved to today at 1:00.





Speaking of clarinets, I found it hilarious that my clarinet professor decided to act as my therapist today. It was quite funny in fact. She old me she had always wanted to be a therapist and so we talked about things that were troubling me. She told me that from day one of meeting me that she knew I was messed up... I was thinking as in day one being our first lesson... and she said that day one was actually meaning the time we actually met at Red Robin when I was her waitress and we started talking about the WSU music program and what not. Nevertheless, I had a therapy session today instead of a lesson. I managed to play maybe one scale and that is all we could fit in. Ridiculous.





So my Midwest audition is less than two weeks away and I am very nervous. People have had their music and monologues picked out for weeks, even months... but not Sara the great. I still have yet to pick a song or monologue. I have many performance ready, don't get me wrong.. I just haven't made a final decision yet or rehearsed it with the time limit and what not. And besides picking out my audition material I have got to book a hotel, update my resume, figure out who is driving, take my head shots to kinkos and make a bazillion copies... etc etc etc. That all is very important bu I have got to pick audition material asap. Tomorrow. Brian wants me to sing We Deserve Each other... He told me that it shows off my voice and that I sing the snot out of it... but I really just don't want to sing it. I don't at all in fact. So we argued about that to day. Speaking of Brian and today, I must say that I had a FABULOUS voice lesson today. The first good one I have had all semester! It is about time and I am really happy that he was pleased with my work. From point one I sang and he stopped me and said "Who are you? and where have you been hiding this voice all semester." It was great to actually do something well this semester.





Children of Eden auditions tomorrow, woo hoo. I am just so excited. *Note: That sentence was overflowing with sarcasm. If I am ready for any auditions it is COE. I mean once I finish memorizing the music.





I guess overall things are a tad bit better, I am accepting the fact that there is no way I am leaving this semester. Now if I would only go to class. And if I would sleep! This no sleep thing has got to stop. This only sleep for two hours and then not for days... and then over load on coffee and other things... it is going to kill me.





So the best friend is moving to Ohio on Sunday, what a change this will be. I am tempted to go up there with her, screw Kansas. Oh wait, I forget! I CAN'T LEAVE. I can but I can't. Ah, we've been over this.Whatever, I think the distance between us will be good for us. I will miss her, muchly.





It is really really really cold in this apartment. I think the heater is broken. Oh and did I mention that it is snowing again? I hate snow. Give me rain, give me a tornado, anything. This crap has got to stop.





I went to the music library and checked out about five books of music that were suggested to me. I have been spending all my spare time trying to pick music for this semester. A little late, I know... all because of my make up juries.. which I still haven't done. Wow I am just doing great this semester aren't I.








Ah so that is my life.

I really need to stop being so negative.

Well on the bright side of things, I am getting more on track spiritually. Again. I am back to reading my Bible everyday and having much needed quiet times. I am back to studying the book of James, one I have studied many a times. It is a small book but has much to it. I sometimes spend a long long time on just a few verses. Nevertheless, I am feeling better. I am getting back onto the road of where I want to be.

So about that list of resolutions and goals... I want to try another crack at it. I thought that all hope was lost... but I want to try again. So I will....

I am not leaving anymore so I need to make the best of being here.

And the only way to do that is get my life back on track... work towards those goals... strengthen my relationship with the Lord... and the other things.

I am still depressed out of my mind... but I am going to try once again to work past it.

Un-Welcoming Commitee.

I visited my old church this morning, and I have never felt more unwelcome in my entire life. I received many of those "What is she doing here looks" rather than hellos and hugs. I switched to a different church and now I am no longer welcome there? That is really silly.

Nevertheless, it was nice to see everyone, whether they talked to me or not. My how the children have grown up. I loved the children in that church, I loved working in the nursery and with Wee Worship. They all have gotten so old... how time flys.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

The things that have been going through my head these past few weeks, wow. Not only do I feel completely empty inside but I feel unable to breath. I sat with my Bible yesterday and read his word trying I guess to find some comfort in the fact that although everything around me is crumbling to the ground, my relationship with him is still there. Although it isn't holding as strongly as I would hope it to, it is still there. As I have gone through the week it felt as if I am just going through the motions. I didn't even really go to that many classes because I just didn't feel the need to with me leaving and all. Now I don't even know if that is happening. I threw such a fit last time they were talking about me going away and now when I actually want to they think it is a bad idea. Like I am wanting to play crazy for a few months to get out of this ridiculous horrible little town. They can see right past the plan I built for myself. True, I don't need to go away but I want to so badly that playing crazy and getting shipped off sounds pretty dang amazing when compared to staying here. So... That is not going to happen, unfortunately. I made these big plans about getting away, even went and filled out drop slips and all... and now I am staying here. I have talked to many people about the "me leaving" situation and everyone does think that yes, I do need to get away but that I should wait until summer or next semester to get away. Not run out on all of my obligations of this semester. Like all my shows, and my job, and classes, and all of those other little things. So... I guess they are right, I can't run from my problems and obligations although I tried. Although I tried to run, I can not. So this summer, if I don't get a job from a theatre (which I probably won't) I am gone. And I have already talked to my advisers about me not being here this fall semester. Where will I go? I have not a clue. But I believe that God will guide me to somewhere... somewhere where I can breath, where I can live in peace and live for him. The only problem is that if I leave, just for a few months to clear my head and figure out what I want... I know I won't come back. I know I will not come back. As much as I say it now, that I will just take a few months to figure things out and return back to Kansas, school, my life... but I know that I won't come back. I just spend each day praying to God to guide me in the right direction because I need so much for his guidance. I can't do it alone, I have for so long and I know that no matter what I am never going to feel complete, whole, accomplished if I do not do things with him by my side. In my Bible times I have been focusing a lot of Psalms 18 among others. Psalms18:16-19" He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. "

I think that one of my main problems with the whole staying on track with God things is who and what I surround myself with. I spend 75% of the time listening to my friends bash religion and I can't do it anymore. I mean, one of the only reasons I am still even a little bit sane is because of the Lord. because although things suck 95% of the time, he strengthens me. Gives me hope in the fact that everything is going to be okay. I mean why do I even care about anything or everything else. It is all so trivial, so dumb.

On a different note, I still have this lack of motivation problem. I so many auditions coming up soon. WSU's Children of Eden auditions are next week and I don't want to audition. The only reason I am is because if you are on MT scholarship you are required to audition for every show. Now I am not only audition for the show but actually auditioning for a part, thanks to the persuasive skills of Javier. He convinced me to audition for the part of Yonah. He will undoubtedly be Cain and he told me he would love most for me to play Yonah over the other females auditioning for the part. He said that the music sits well in my range (which it does) and that I fit the part well. So....It took a lot of convincing but he did it. So yesterday I picked up some music and am cracking away. So yes people, I am audition for Yonah, although I know I won't get it. This whole thing is a joke. I don't know why I am even going through with it. I am fine with just being in the Ensemble, because I know that is what is going to happen. No need to humiliate myself along the way.

Then Midwest is so soon. Only a few weeks away and I am anything but ready. I am so scared, so nervous. I don't know what I am singing, I haven't even run my song and monologue with the time limit. I am so lost. I haven't updated my resume, I haven't made my kinko's run with my head shots. I haven't even picked a head shot for Midwest or gotten new more professional ones taken. Don't get me wrong, I think that Kasey did a phenomenal job, just according to some people they aren't "professional enough" since they were done in some 18 year old's bedroom at three o'clock in the morning. Jeez. I need to get my ducks in a row and fast. Hunting season is starting ASAP and I am not even out of the house.

Then to make things even better, Brian has decided that he is going to take the classical approach with me this semester. Yes that is right... whipping out the Italian, German, French.... ridiculous. I really do not like singing classical music. And not only is he taking the classical approach but we are only working on my upper registrar and head voice this semester. SO now every time I or he picks out a song it is a super super high one. He even gave me a range of how high it has to be. I brought to him three pieces this morning all fairly high and he turned all three away saying the were not long enough. Actually.. He said I could work on the middle of COME DOWN FROM THE TREE.. the "la la" section and that is it. I am sorry but it is really frustrating. I hate my upper register, I am not comfortable with it and he will not let me sing what I am comfortable singing. Granted this is good for me, working on the upper register is good for me... but I don't want to do it. I mean he even said that FORGIVENESS from JANE EYRE sat two low. He is certain to turn me into a soprano. He told me that. He told me that "I am Turing you into the soprano you truly are." Did I mention that I hate sopranos, no offense to those of you who are. I do, they are so... unoriginal. I like the belt, character, fun songs. Not the floaty and flitzy crap. gr. Enough complaining.

I might just say screw my therapist and leave anyway. I have got to get out of here!

As a goodbye, I should fix the loose ends.

Here I go.

20 somethings to 20 somebodies


1.Honestly, I really do wish that we could of worked things out. You were all I had for awhile and now I don't have you at all. I still to this day do not even know why. Hopefully you love your drug addiction more than you ever loved me.


2.It isn't bitchiness, it is mixed emotions. I don't know quite how I feel. I am a whirlwind of feelings about to explode. So it isn't you, it's me.

3.I feel bad for walking into your life. I don't deserve the kindess you've shown me. No worries, I am gone now... so things can go back to being less complicated.

4.I do not agree with your decisions, and I think you are making a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. But what do I know?



5. You are a different person now...
why did you change?



6.You tore us all apart for your own personal enjoyment. I know that, I am not as dumb as I seem. I was however, dumb enough to thing it meant something when it didn't. I was dumb enough to eat up that line of bullshit you fed to me.


7.You put yourself in this situation, and I really don't feel sorry for you at all. In fact, I am kind of glad karma is kicking you in the face.


8.Stop hurting me. I don't deserve it...and when I get the nerve I will say it to your face.


9.I would do anything.... give anything... to go back and fix things.... I am sorry that I hurt you, and I would do anything to go back and change it all.... just know that to this day, 3 1/2 years later... that my actions still haunt me.



10.You inspire me.


11.My mind will eventually forget,
But my heart will never forgive you.


12.You are starting to sound
just like I did... how ironic is that?


13.I miss you so much. It still hurts just as bad, if not worse. I think of you everyday. I paid you a visit the other day, in the snow. I cried about it for the first time in months. I just wish it could of been me instead. You were worth something. You were bright, beautiful, talented, amazing. I love you.

14. I still love you, through everything. I still love you enough to walk away.

15. Did you know that this would be the month? I think about it every morning I wake up.

16. Thank you for being there. Thank you for the random goodnights and joyful hellos. The talks, the coffee, the friendship. Thanks for being a goofball with me, and putting a big smile on my face. Thanks for trying your hardest to make everything okay. Thank you for cards in the RSC, and random phone conversations that begin with "Are you wearing clothes right now." Thanks for funny pictures, and fabulous-ness. Thanks for our secret handshake and for running into poles.I really don't know what I would do without you right now...


17. I sometimes wish that nowadays I could just come and curl up in a ball and cry under your desk like I could in high school. When I could skip class and come sit there in total silence and feel better. I read that book the other day, I think I may pay you a visit. I need it badly, I'm lost and have made a very big decision. I know you'll honor that decision.

18. I try so hard to fix things, and although people think it's crazy I still want to. It is funny because you don't deserve the fact that I care how it turns out in the end.. and that I can't just walk away.

19. I miss you, come home.




20. Let me go. Please, just let me go.

Decisions

You've got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.
Youve got to laugh a little, cry a little,
Until the clouds roll by a little.Thats the story of,
thats the glory of love.
As long as theres the two of us,
Weve got the world and all its charms.
And when the world is through with us,
Weve got each others arms.
Youve got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love.
Thats the story of, thats the glory of love




So I have made a big decision. It was a difficult one, but I believe that God is guiding me in this new path so I Am going to go with it. It is what is best, it is what I need.

Things are going to be alright.

Most of you will find out about it eventually, in Wichita things are never really a secret.

So...

yeah.

I am not going to say that I am NOT scared, because I am.

I know that nobody knows what they want out of life, whether they think so or not. So I know that I am not the only one who is confused, lost, depressed, etc.

My best friend decided in on night to move to Ohio, so in two weeks she will be gone. She dropped all her classes, quit her job, ect. She is depressed, lost, confused and just needs to get out of Kansas to figure herself out. Figure out what she wants out of life, figure out who she is. If you have ever read any of my previous rants you probably know that this is something I have considered doing for quite some time.

I mean, I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know who I am... I am stuck in this imaginary world basically. I keep trying to find myself and keep finding myself in the same place. It is like I am going around in circles or something, if that makes any sense at all. In fact, I wrote a blog about a year ago and when I re-read over it tonight I realized how I feel the same way now... a year later. Nothing has changed.

Here are my words:

Mixed emotions are the worst.
So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
But... I can't be happy or anything with myself after some of the decisions I have made these past few weeks. I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.
I mean, I am never going to not have depression in my life... it is apart of me as much as I hate to say it...
but I can't sit and have this negative outlook.


Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.
Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretend....Pretend that I am in this perfect world and pretend that I will just have things handed to me. I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.
and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.
I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
I love it I do, I do so much... and it makes me happy believe it or not... yes, me ... I Can be happy... there are things that make me happy... but sometimes it seems like it is not enough.. sometimes it hits me that I can't live in this made up world any longer...
and being realistic is the hardest thing for me to do...
Ah.. I was so happy.. I was so happy and I thought that everything was perfect and I was actually for once... actually going to be worth something... but I guess that isn't true... Speaking of reality.. in ALL reality I am going to be nothing, and they know that and I know that but I don't want to force myself to believe it... I can't force myself to believe it..because I love it too much to want to let go and give up...
I know it is hard for a child to give up their dreams ... who ever said that is was a piece of cake for an adult to do so?
I am so confused and I thought that I knew, and I prayed for a sign, and I thought I had gotten one, but I guess it wasn't anything more than luck.
Luck... Luck has never played me a fair hand... life has never played me a fair hand either...
it is like they all are out to get me and all I want is to live in my stupid made up fantasy, and I don't know why.
I don't know why I want it.. I don't know what it is for... I don't know ...
I... I don't know
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
HEY... it's never going to happen and it hits you hard as it has hit me tonight.
AND NO, I am not being pessimistic, I Am being realistic which hurts... hurts so bad.
and it is not that I am giving up, I am just being .. what is it kids? Realistic!and there will always be that magically "What if" in the back of my mind... and it will always be in my heart, locked deep down inside of me.... but there will always be a
WHAT IF
in my mind.
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
People believe so much that I have things that I really don't have... hi expectations of me I guess... welll I am out to ruin everyone's expectations of me... because I am not who you think I am.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.

I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.

Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries

and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.

My only question is... What now?

Oh Wichita.

Below are humorous photos and stereotypical descriptions of neighborhood-specific Wichita Barbies









EAST WICHITA BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


ANDOVER BARBIE: The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.




DELANO BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Midtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


DERBY BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

(Not gonna lie, I think that the Derby barbie is my favorite!)


WEST WICHITA BARBIE: Snooty but friendly, she thinks she's perfect in every way. She thinks no one else knows what Skipper's doing with her Ken, but the whole cul-de-sac knows. Currently no one knows where Ken is because he's always out a-huntin'.


RIVERSIDE BARBIE: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.


OLD TOWN BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse-conversion condo.


HAYSVILLE-PARK CITY BARBIE: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.



EASTBOROUGH-COLLEGE HILL BARBIE: This princess Barbie is sold only at Bradley Fair. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic-golfaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Is there any chance that I could go back?

I had a voice lesson the other day that did not go well at all. I really was sure that Brian was going to rip my face off. I sang one of my new pieces (Forgiveness from Jane Eyre) as well as all my jury pieces. This is sort of how the conversation went:
Me: "Singing lalala dee da"
Brian: stops me "Are you even trying?"
Me: "I just... my voice is so weak right now."
Brian: "and you spent all break not practicing"
Me: "yea, I know. I took a break from everything"
Brian:"well, forgiveness is a great song and based on how you just sang it I would tell you you are not doing it this semester.. but lets put it away and try again later"
Me: "eh.."
Brian: " Okay.. do We Deserve Each other"
Me: "singing la lala dee laa"
Brian: "What is wrong? I mean.. what is the problem? Are you scared of singing, scared of your voice, me what? I mean..you have this big voice in you... I know I have made it come out before... but what is the problem now? I mean there is always something. Have you ever stopped to think that these problems are psychological? That you freak yourself out and that is why you are always sick? we cannot start off every semester like this Sara. We will never get anywhere if we always start from the beginning"
Me: I'm standing there at the verge of tears, staring at the floor.
Brian: "Sara, you have a pretty voice, and you are a pretty girl.. I mean you have talent... and then you don't use it and close up like this. I mean... Do you want to sing?"
Me: "yes.."
Brian: "Do you want to do music theatre?"
Me: "Yes..."
Brian: "Then do it...stop this crap and just do it. Start from the beginning of the Chess piece"
Me: "singing.. ladeed lada"


There is a lot more that went on in the lesson, but that is just a snip of how it went. I just felt like such a failure. I came so far last semester and it just feels like I threw all of it away. ALL of it. It just... I just wish that I wouldn't of slacked off.. and been unmotivated.

I want to sing. I want to do music theatre... I have this passion, this deep passion... but sometimes I let my lack of motivation take over. And I am sure that makes no sense at all... If you have passion then you would naturally have the motivation... but that just isn't true for me. I get into these moods where trying just seems worthless because I see myself as worthless... which is no excuse to do poorly but that is just how I work. I put myself down and push myself down and then I do poorly... because I wouldn't let myself do well.

ugh.. it is hard to explain.

I just wish that I could go back and start break over... practice everyday... and so that when I walked into Brian's office I sounded even better than I did when I left in December.



While I was typing this entry I received some unexpected but exciting news. Mallory is sitting here, my darling little pregnant Mallory. Well she is a lot more pregnant than we thought. At the doctor's appointment today the doctor informed her that there were TWO heart beats. That is right my friends! Mallory is having twins. So exciting! I am going to have a two nieces!! Or Nephews! Or a niece and a nephew! AHH! yayay!

Insult.

over it.
------------

vent.

Sometimes I just don't understand the world, and every one of my attempts at making myself happier. It's like everywhere I turn there is nothing there, everything is a blank wall. There’s nothing there. Nothing. It is just this space, this space full of nothing. This life full of nothing. This body, this aching body... bruised and tormented full of nothing.

I made this list of so many goals and resolutions, this list that I poured my heart and my soul into. I felt that I was actually starting things off right, starting this new year off on the right foot. I felt in place with God, or at least on my way back to being there. I made all these plans, all these wonderful and motivated plans. And they are all gone. All of them... and I just pray and pray for guidance and I am back at that blank wall... Like he can't hear me at all. Sometimes I think that I just don't deserves it... don't deserve to be loved by the one who loves me the most. I just... I pray and there is just this block. This block that just won't freaking move. It is like I have this rain cloud that just won't let up, it won't go away.

God I just can't do it. I look at myself in the mirror and I can not stand the woman staring back at me. Staring back at me with that look, with those puff eyes and black circles. I am so unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I can't get up in the morning, I don't care about anything... Everything just seems like it isn't worth the effort. I mean my damn best friend has to sit and tell me that I need help. What the hell do you think I am trying to do? What do you think I have been trying to do for so long?? I know I am messed up, that's a given.. I just... it's hard. It is... believe it or not... it is. I've been through this... and the second time isn't any easier.

I don't want to live like this and it isn't fair to those who are trying to help me, those who have to take the wrath of my problems. There is just like this pain, this pain that won't go away. The same pain I had a long time ago...back when... I don't know... when cutting myself was a damn fashion statement. When it was something I did on a daily basis because I just hated myself so much. When that was the only way I knew of dealing with things, the only way I knew how to get rid of the pain inside. You know, concentrating so much on the pain you are giving to yourself that all the crap in your life just.... seems so trivial and inexistent. I remember back in high school when I walked by and everyone whispered "There goes that really depressed girl, you know why she only wears long sleeves right?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to making that a daily ritual, not at all... but I am meaning that pain I felt all the time inside... that pain that made me do those things... it is back... and stronger than ever. I mean I was what... 13, 14... 15 ... now I know of other ways of dealing with the pain. One of them for such a long time way praying and reading my Bible... and then...the others...well...they are not necessarily ones I am proud of.

Nevertheless there is a problem, a problem with me. I keep acting like it is just going to go away eventually but it has just gotten worse over time. Now... I am here at my breaking point. I had this really bad panic attack the other night, just woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breathe or think... or even talk. I calmed down thanks to a friend, but I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling trying to think but I just couldn't do it. I have never felt so empty in my entire life then I did in that moment. And the last few days I spent... having me time. Thinking about everything... I thought about my past, about everything that has happened.

You know one of my resolutions was not letting my past define me, and it does. It is my entire world. It is ridiculous.... but people have gone through a lot more than me and they are fine with forgetting the past... but oh no.. not me. Not me the depressed over dramatic human. Sometimes I don't even feel human.

I have just screwed up so much that even thinking about it reduces me to sobs. Sobs and shakes as I sit and rip myself apart and beat myself up because I am such and idiot and I make such bad decisions. When all I want is to just... be happy... and be with the Lord..and be loved.... I mean I can name only one to two people, besides the Lord, who truly love me unconditionally...and for all I know there might not even be that. .... I mean I need that. I need to feel loved. Then There is the whole being able to actually smile and mean it. I put on this act this stupid little act so that nobody knows how I feel. So that nobody knows what is going on. It is so .... ugh.... I don't feel real.


So now I am here... trying to figure out what I could possibly do to change all of this... because I am falling... and fast. I never thought that going back was something I ever was going to consider, but maybe ... maybe it is true. Maybe all of this crap happening around me is pushing me back. Maybe it is what I need. I am just afraid that it will make things worse. I told myself if I ever went back that... well...

I just... I don't know. I don't.

I'm not healthy, not at all. I mean who sits and thinks of the most convenient way to kill herself at least 16 hours of the day. Now when I was a 15 that would be something to worry about... but I was 15... I mean I know that it isn't something I would actually do now. Now that I am an adult I know what it does. I have seen to many people, to many friends pull that shit. I have seen how it affects the rest of the world. Believe it or not... Wichita has a pretty high teenage suicide rate.. and they always just so happen to be somebody I know.. because I know everyone... no but I know that I couldn't put my friends through that... my family, although the problems we have. I could never do that to someone... to anyone. It just... sucks having those thoughts run constantly through my mind, especially when I would never even consider really doing it. Okay, that is a lie because the other night I was actually truly considering it... and I really think that it scared me... scared me into thinking that... maybe I can’t do this on my own.
I have always done everything on my own. I am so freaking stubborn, independent. I mean for example.. Something I need... something I want so much is to just... be cared about.. be loved.. and I push away anyone who comes close. I shut out my friends, I shut out basically everyone. Especially when people want to help. I just.. I hate letting people help me. It makes me feel weak... and then I get on that mind set.... and then I am weak... that was one of my resolutions... letting people help... letting people love me.

Anyway... nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that I really love. Singing.... dance.... they all just seem so stupid. So stupid... when I know that is not how I want to feel. I don't want to hate everything.

I can't talk anymore, I am going to go try and read my bible. Pray.... do something...

Maybe sleep for a change. My body is about to crash.... maybe eat... haven’t been doing that either. I have however, drank a lot of coffee.

Oh, I lied again... when I said that nothing makes me happy.... yea... coffee does. I don’t know why... but it is like my comfort... like a comfort food... or a ... comfort counselor... yea... no chocolate or Dr. smiles for me... I am good with coffee.



One thing I know... is that I can't be afraid anymore...

"I'm not afraid of anything... be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.... I'm not afraid of anything... tell me wheres the challenge if you never try... so watch me fly.. I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid of anything, be it growing old or going out of style... I'm not afraid of anything.... who would give up what they want without a trial... another mile... I'm not afraid" - Jason Robert Brown (songs for a new world)

post.

School has once again started and although I would really like to take a semester off, it was nice seeing everyone today. My schedule isn't too insane, and luckily a lot of my classes are dance classes. I really think that this semester is going to be more laid back because I have all day MWF to work on homework and such. I know that I am going to have killer homework in English and Sociology. I wish that I was a smarter person!! I guess we can't win em all!

I am getting really sick of my friends interfering with my love life and just all the fighting that is going on with my friends in general. It is so irritating having someone just be pissed off at you and you have no idea why. And I am getting so sick of everyone bashing this guy that I am sort of seeing, because they all are doing it. Everywhere we go he is brought up and they bash and bash. I told them that I just wasn't going to date him if everyone hated him that much and then they got mad about that saying that listening to other people's opinions is ridiculous and that I will never have a relationship if I go off what others think. I mean, they bitch about him day in and day out and then when I say that I am just going to give him the boot they bitch about that as well.

So my make up jury is going to be sometime next week and I am really not prepared. I am actually really worried about it! Hopefully Angela and I can meet tomorrow to work through the music. I talked to my voice teacher today for a split second and he just assumed that my music was ready. He was really busy so I didn't get the chance to tell him that I haven't touched it since last semester.

This year hasn't been to pleasant so far and I am getting worried that I started the year off on the wrong foot. All I want for this semester is to be happy and have good fortune. I have this problem with bad luck and having unluckiness follow me around. All I want for this one year is to not be so unlucky.

a few months away?

The spring semester starts a week from today and I am not really sure how I feel about that. I know it will be great seeing my friends but the idea of "school" just doesn't tickle my fancy.

I spent the break doing nothing but relaxing, trying to over come being sick and that hasn't gone so well. One thing I didn't do is work on my make up jury material. I should of spent this entire break working on my jury pieces when actually I haven't even touched that music since Dec. 4th. And remember how I was actually relieved to take an incomplete because I didn't have a monologue ready for my original jury?? Well I could of spent the break picking a really great monologue (like maybe one from Agnes of God) and make it FIERCE, and that sure didn't happen either. I am such a slacker and I know when I walk into Brian's office next week I am going to get my face ripped off. Angela and I are going to run through all my music on Sunday before rehearsal, and I am scared.

I AM GOING TO SOUND LIKE CRAP.

I am actually excited that CHILDREN OF EDEN rehearsals start this Sunday! I adore working with Karen and it really will just be nice doing a show. I don't know what part I am playing, she said I'd find out on Sunday.

I have a pretty laid back semester ahead. I am actually NOT taking 24 hours!! Right now I am at 17 and getting ready to add one more class. Not gonna lie, a lot of them are dance classes. I am stoked to loose all this weight that I have put on from not dancing because of the intense beatings my body has taken over the last year.

So I am looking at the positive sides of the upcoming semester and then I just think how much I don't want to go to school and how much I don't want to deal with people's shit.

Honestly, that is all the theatre department is. It is drama. People talking shit on other people, people sleeping around, people back stabbing. It kills me. I really don't like being around it. The things I see happen make me sick to my stomach.

ah... I want to just take a semester off. I want to just pack up and go away for a few months... Breckenridge maybe?? Not deal with anyone or anything... just go away without my cell phone or my computer. Just have me time. It would be amazing. I still have a week to make that decision, and there is this amazing cozy little condo owned by my grandparents that I could easily get a key to.

So tempting.

So tempting.

So if you don't hear from me a week from now... I will be in Breckenridge. ALONE.