Oh Wichita.

Below are humorous photos and stereotypical descriptions of neighborhood-specific Wichita Barbies









EAST WICHITA BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


ANDOVER BARBIE: The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.




DELANO BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Midtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


DERBY BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

(Not gonna lie, I think that the Derby barbie is my favorite!)


WEST WICHITA BARBIE: Snooty but friendly, she thinks she's perfect in every way. She thinks no one else knows what Skipper's doing with her Ken, but the whole cul-de-sac knows. Currently no one knows where Ken is because he's always out a-huntin'.


RIVERSIDE BARBIE: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.


OLD TOWN BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse-conversion condo.


HAYSVILLE-PARK CITY BARBIE: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.



EASTBOROUGH-COLLEGE HILL BARBIE: This princess Barbie is sold only at Bradley Fair. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic-golfaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

Is there any chance that I could go back?

I had a voice lesson the other day that did not go well at all. I really was sure that Brian was going to rip my face off. I sang one of my new pieces (Forgiveness from Jane Eyre) as well as all my jury pieces. This is sort of how the conversation went:
Me: "Singing lalala dee da"
Brian: stops me "Are you even trying?"
Me: "I just... my voice is so weak right now."
Brian: "and you spent all break not practicing"
Me: "yea, I know. I took a break from everything"
Brian:"well, forgiveness is a great song and based on how you just sang it I would tell you you are not doing it this semester.. but lets put it away and try again later"
Me: "eh.."
Brian: " Okay.. do We Deserve Each other"
Me: "singing la lala dee laa"
Brian: "What is wrong? I mean.. what is the problem? Are you scared of singing, scared of your voice, me what? I mean..you have this big voice in you... I know I have made it come out before... but what is the problem now? I mean there is always something. Have you ever stopped to think that these problems are psychological? That you freak yourself out and that is why you are always sick? we cannot start off every semester like this Sara. We will never get anywhere if we always start from the beginning"
Me: I'm standing there at the verge of tears, staring at the floor.
Brian: "Sara, you have a pretty voice, and you are a pretty girl.. I mean you have talent... and then you don't use it and close up like this. I mean... Do you want to sing?"
Me: "yes.."
Brian: "Do you want to do music theatre?"
Me: "Yes..."
Brian: "Then do it...stop this crap and just do it. Start from the beginning of the Chess piece"
Me: "singing.. ladeed lada"


There is a lot more that went on in the lesson, but that is just a snip of how it went. I just felt like such a failure. I came so far last semester and it just feels like I threw all of it away. ALL of it. It just... I just wish that I wouldn't of slacked off.. and been unmotivated.

I want to sing. I want to do music theatre... I have this passion, this deep passion... but sometimes I let my lack of motivation take over. And I am sure that makes no sense at all... If you have passion then you would naturally have the motivation... but that just isn't true for me. I get into these moods where trying just seems worthless because I see myself as worthless... which is no excuse to do poorly but that is just how I work. I put myself down and push myself down and then I do poorly... because I wouldn't let myself do well.

ugh.. it is hard to explain.

I just wish that I could go back and start break over... practice everyday... and so that when I walked into Brian's office I sounded even better than I did when I left in December.



While I was typing this entry I received some unexpected but exciting news. Mallory is sitting here, my darling little pregnant Mallory. Well she is a lot more pregnant than we thought. At the doctor's appointment today the doctor informed her that there were TWO heart beats. That is right my friends! Mallory is having twins. So exciting! I am going to have a two nieces!! Or Nephews! Or a niece and a nephew! AHH! yayay!

Insult.

over it.
------------

vent.

Sometimes I just don't understand the world, and every one of my attempts at making myself happier. It's like everywhere I turn there is nothing there, everything is a blank wall. There’s nothing there. Nothing. It is just this space, this space full of nothing. This life full of nothing. This body, this aching body... bruised and tormented full of nothing.

I made this list of so many goals and resolutions, this list that I poured my heart and my soul into. I felt that I was actually starting things off right, starting this new year off on the right foot. I felt in place with God, or at least on my way back to being there. I made all these plans, all these wonderful and motivated plans. And they are all gone. All of them... and I just pray and pray for guidance and I am back at that blank wall... Like he can't hear me at all. Sometimes I think that I just don't deserves it... don't deserve to be loved by the one who loves me the most. I just... I pray and there is just this block. This block that just won't freaking move. It is like I have this rain cloud that just won't let up, it won't go away.

God I just can't do it. I look at myself in the mirror and I can not stand the woman staring back at me. Staring back at me with that look, with those puff eyes and black circles. I am so unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I can't get up in the morning, I don't care about anything... Everything just seems like it isn't worth the effort. I mean my damn best friend has to sit and tell me that I need help. What the hell do you think I am trying to do? What do you think I have been trying to do for so long?? I know I am messed up, that's a given.. I just... it's hard. It is... believe it or not... it is. I've been through this... and the second time isn't any easier.

I don't want to live like this and it isn't fair to those who are trying to help me, those who have to take the wrath of my problems. There is just like this pain, this pain that won't go away. The same pain I had a long time ago...back when... I don't know... when cutting myself was a damn fashion statement. When it was something I did on a daily basis because I just hated myself so much. When that was the only way I knew of dealing with things, the only way I knew how to get rid of the pain inside. You know, concentrating so much on the pain you are giving to yourself that all the crap in your life just.... seems so trivial and inexistent. I remember back in high school when I walked by and everyone whispered "There goes that really depressed girl, you know why she only wears long sleeves right?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to making that a daily ritual, not at all... but I am meaning that pain I felt all the time inside... that pain that made me do those things... it is back... and stronger than ever. I mean I was what... 13, 14... 15 ... now I know of other ways of dealing with the pain. One of them for such a long time way praying and reading my Bible... and then...the others...well...they are not necessarily ones I am proud of.

Nevertheless there is a problem, a problem with me. I keep acting like it is just going to go away eventually but it has just gotten worse over time. Now... I am here at my breaking point. I had this really bad panic attack the other night, just woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breathe or think... or even talk. I calmed down thanks to a friend, but I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling trying to think but I just couldn't do it. I have never felt so empty in my entire life then I did in that moment. And the last few days I spent... having me time. Thinking about everything... I thought about my past, about everything that has happened.

You know one of my resolutions was not letting my past define me, and it does. It is my entire world. It is ridiculous.... but people have gone through a lot more than me and they are fine with forgetting the past... but oh no.. not me. Not me the depressed over dramatic human. Sometimes I don't even feel human.

I have just screwed up so much that even thinking about it reduces me to sobs. Sobs and shakes as I sit and rip myself apart and beat myself up because I am such and idiot and I make such bad decisions. When all I want is to just... be happy... and be with the Lord..and be loved.... I mean I can name only one to two people, besides the Lord, who truly love me unconditionally...and for all I know there might not even be that. .... I mean I need that. I need to feel loved. Then There is the whole being able to actually smile and mean it. I put on this act this stupid little act so that nobody knows how I feel. So that nobody knows what is going on. It is so .... ugh.... I don't feel real.


So now I am here... trying to figure out what I could possibly do to change all of this... because I am falling... and fast. I never thought that going back was something I ever was going to consider, but maybe ... maybe it is true. Maybe all of this crap happening around me is pushing me back. Maybe it is what I need. I am just afraid that it will make things worse. I told myself if I ever went back that... well...

I just... I don't know. I don't.

I'm not healthy, not at all. I mean who sits and thinks of the most convenient way to kill herself at least 16 hours of the day. Now when I was a 15 that would be something to worry about... but I was 15... I mean I know that it isn't something I would actually do now. Now that I am an adult I know what it does. I have seen to many people, to many friends pull that shit. I have seen how it affects the rest of the world. Believe it or not... Wichita has a pretty high teenage suicide rate.. and they always just so happen to be somebody I know.. because I know everyone... no but I know that I couldn't put my friends through that... my family, although the problems we have. I could never do that to someone... to anyone. It just... sucks having those thoughts run constantly through my mind, especially when I would never even consider really doing it. Okay, that is a lie because the other night I was actually truly considering it... and I really think that it scared me... scared me into thinking that... maybe I can’t do this on my own.
I have always done everything on my own. I am so freaking stubborn, independent. I mean for example.. Something I need... something I want so much is to just... be cared about.. be loved.. and I push away anyone who comes close. I shut out my friends, I shut out basically everyone. Especially when people want to help. I just.. I hate letting people help me. It makes me feel weak... and then I get on that mind set.... and then I am weak... that was one of my resolutions... letting people help... letting people love me.

Anyway... nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that I really love. Singing.... dance.... they all just seem so stupid. So stupid... when I know that is not how I want to feel. I don't want to hate everything.

I can't talk anymore, I am going to go try and read my bible. Pray.... do something...

Maybe sleep for a change. My body is about to crash.... maybe eat... haven’t been doing that either. I have however, drank a lot of coffee.

Oh, I lied again... when I said that nothing makes me happy.... yea... coffee does. I don’t know why... but it is like my comfort... like a comfort food... or a ... comfort counselor... yea... no chocolate or Dr. smiles for me... I am good with coffee.



One thing I know... is that I can't be afraid anymore...

"I'm not afraid of anything... be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.... I'm not afraid of anything... tell me wheres the challenge if you never try... so watch me fly.. I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid of anything, be it growing old or going out of style... I'm not afraid of anything.... who would give up what they want without a trial... another mile... I'm not afraid" - Jason Robert Brown (songs for a new world)

post.

School has once again started and although I would really like to take a semester off, it was nice seeing everyone today. My schedule isn't too insane, and luckily a lot of my classes are dance classes. I really think that this semester is going to be more laid back because I have all day MWF to work on homework and such. I know that I am going to have killer homework in English and Sociology. I wish that I was a smarter person!! I guess we can't win em all!

I am getting really sick of my friends interfering with my love life and just all the fighting that is going on with my friends in general. It is so irritating having someone just be pissed off at you and you have no idea why. And I am getting so sick of everyone bashing this guy that I am sort of seeing, because they all are doing it. Everywhere we go he is brought up and they bash and bash. I told them that I just wasn't going to date him if everyone hated him that much and then they got mad about that saying that listening to other people's opinions is ridiculous and that I will never have a relationship if I go off what others think. I mean, they bitch about him day in and day out and then when I say that I am just going to give him the boot they bitch about that as well.

So my make up jury is going to be sometime next week and I am really not prepared. I am actually really worried about it! Hopefully Angela and I can meet tomorrow to work through the music. I talked to my voice teacher today for a split second and he just assumed that my music was ready. He was really busy so I didn't get the chance to tell him that I haven't touched it since last semester.

This year hasn't been to pleasant so far and I am getting worried that I started the year off on the wrong foot. All I want for this semester is to be happy and have good fortune. I have this problem with bad luck and having unluckiness follow me around. All I want for this one year is to not be so unlucky.

a few months away?

The spring semester starts a week from today and I am not really sure how I feel about that. I know it will be great seeing my friends but the idea of "school" just doesn't tickle my fancy.

I spent the break doing nothing but relaxing, trying to over come being sick and that hasn't gone so well. One thing I didn't do is work on my make up jury material. I should of spent this entire break working on my jury pieces when actually I haven't even touched that music since Dec. 4th. And remember how I was actually relieved to take an incomplete because I didn't have a monologue ready for my original jury?? Well I could of spent the break picking a really great monologue (like maybe one from Agnes of God) and make it FIERCE, and that sure didn't happen either. I am such a slacker and I know when I walk into Brian's office next week I am going to get my face ripped off. Angela and I are going to run through all my music on Sunday before rehearsal, and I am scared.

I AM GOING TO SOUND LIKE CRAP.

I am actually excited that CHILDREN OF EDEN rehearsals start this Sunday! I adore working with Karen and it really will just be nice doing a show. I don't know what part I am playing, she said I'd find out on Sunday.

I have a pretty laid back semester ahead. I am actually NOT taking 24 hours!! Right now I am at 17 and getting ready to add one more class. Not gonna lie, a lot of them are dance classes. I am stoked to loose all this weight that I have put on from not dancing because of the intense beatings my body has taken over the last year.

So I am looking at the positive sides of the upcoming semester and then I just think how much I don't want to go to school and how much I don't want to deal with people's shit.

Honestly, that is all the theatre department is. It is drama. People talking shit on other people, people sleeping around, people back stabbing. It kills me. I really don't like being around it. The things I see happen make me sick to my stomach.

ah... I want to just take a semester off. I want to just pack up and go away for a few months... Breckenridge maybe?? Not deal with anyone or anything... just go away without my cell phone or my computer. Just have me time. It would be amazing. I still have a week to make that decision, and there is this amazing cozy little condo owned by my grandparents that I could easily get a key to.

So tempting.

So tempting.

So if you don't hear from me a week from now... I will be in Breckenridge. ALONE.

A New Year, a New World....

It is 2007, how fast time flys. I have a good friend who keeps telling me that 2007 is going to be my year, it is going to be great, etc. I am just hoping and praying that she is right.

The last year has been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through. And although I don't want to admit it, I learned so much about myself as well as the people I choose to surround myself with.

For instance, last January I am excited for the new year and hoping it will be a good one. Within days of it turning 06 my world started to crumble around me. I was rather upset due to the fact that I actually started off the year with a optimistic tone and then... well it turned to hell.

I just, never could understand how so many things can happen to someone within one year of their life. I guess that each of these things were just a building block, something for me to learn from and grow from. My life experience, wow.

I learned so much about love, in fact it was a ridiculous amount about it. I must quote a friend who helped me ease through love pains. She said: "Loving someone is brave. Letting someone in is brave. Because you cannot control that other person. It's all an incredible experiment...you have to let in and love in order to see if it will stick. You'll get stronger. Every time you do it..or try, it gets stronger. You'll be more sure of yourself...and able to hold your head high again. It's...BRAVE. Not stupid. We learn more about ourselves through relationships than we can ever imagine."

I truly didn't know if I'd get through this one, but with the help of others I did and I learned so much more about myself and who I am and what I want out of life. I know that I don't need a man to be happy, I don't need to feel that love to be happy. I have grown up for so long without anyone, on my own without any type of love so I understand why thinking that the love from a man would heal that, but it won't.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #1: Learn how to live without love

Other things I learned about myself is that I am so unbelievably unmotivated. I let things get to me, I let my life, my problems hold me back. I go to school sometimes not even there because my head is in the clouds. I just, I need to stop letting my life bring me down. I need to stop letting people bring me down.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #2- Don't sweat the small stuff, don't let every thing that goes wrong in my life run it.

Also I have realized this year that I still am so depressed, as much as I don't want to admit it. I put myself down right and left and although I am sure people thing that it is for attention, it is quite the opposite of that. IT is because of what I have taken in. The abuse from people around me, I let it get to me and then I just... I tell that to myself over and over again. I don't think I have met anyone with as low of self esteem as me. It is ridiculous. And this week when I went to visit some friends, Drew, one of them played this "two nicey" game with me. Every time I said something negative about myself I had to say two nice things. It really got me to realize how negative I was being and for that I am sorry. I just.... I want to look into that mirror.... and not hate who is in front of it.... and right now i do. Right now when I look into a mirror I only see the bad, and I only see what I hate.I need to look into that mirror with confidence...
and love me. I need to love me.

NEWS YEARS RESOLUTION #3 - Be Positive, learn to love myself for who I am and not for what other people see me as. No beating myself up.

During 2006 a large amount of devastating events took place in my life. I found myself blaming God and being so mad at him for letting it happen. I realized that this needed to stop and that I needed to get back on track with God. Get my life on track. So I have been working on that, and I rededicated my life last week.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #4 - Love God and let him love on me. Give him all the glory, let him guide me back into his light.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #5 - Pray more, send more time with God. Let him fill all that emptiness the world has given me

Early this semester, August I believe something unbelievable happened to me. I still think about it always. I ripped me to pieces inside and out and has proven to be one of those hardships in life that nobody wants to deal with. To make it worse I kept it inside me for so long finally months later to let it out to someone. I am glad that I told someone eventually. It was such a hard thing to go through alone. People I am sure wondered why I had trouble concentrating at school, work, etc. 2006 brought me severe pain.

Sickness, I don't even want to get started on that. This was one of those other things that I blamed God for. Always being sick, always having something wrong. I guess thought that I can and will praise God that I am alive. I am alive and have survived every bit of it. Maybe 2007 will come with no sickness, lets hope so! I don't think my body can take anymore.



Friendships, this is something that I could write a novel on. I have lost many of my closest friends in this year. There are two in specific that I need to talk about.

Although I am sad that things are not like they use to be I am at least glad that we talk now and can be civil. You were my best friend for so many years, and we went through so much together. I knew that college would come between us, and it did. I still am not happy about the way things went, and I think that the fights could of been prevented on both parts. I just wish that you would of loved me for me instead of who you wanted me to be.

Next person, you have been my rock through so many hard times. One of the best friends I ever could of asked for. But what you do to yourself, it kills me. You are so irresponsible and I have come to learn that you really don't care how it affects the people around you. I worry so much about you and there were so many weeks were I was scared to death that you were dead somewhere. I always wanted to be there for you. But then you started to only be my friend when it was convenient for you. You would take months and just disappear and scare the crap out of me. You would lie to me, to my face and tell me you were clean when I knew you weren't because I know when you are messed up. And I think that the worst part is when you are coming down. When you are coming down you are so mean to me. It really just makes me feel horrible being around you in those times. And I know you have apologized, after what happened this summer.... and you promised to never let it happen again... and never to just disappear again.... and never hurt me like that again... and then you did. So when you come back and want to be my friend...
I am going to have to say no. Because I am trying so hard right now to get my life on track, and learn how to love myself.... that I can't deal with it. I can't get hurt again. You were always someone I loved so much, but now I think that maybe you are not the best person for me to be around... especially when our friendship is usually an inconvenience for you.
And I thank you for everything you have done for me, because you have done so much. You have, and I Love you for that... I just can't take the pain anymore. If something ever happened to you I don't think that I would be able to even go on living in this world. So I am going to unattach myself now.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #6: Don't surround myself with people who are going to bring me down. People who hurt me.



Okay, so I have not been the best person this year and I have done things that have not been wise. I am turing myself into someone I don't want to be and that has got to stop.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #7: Don't do bad things. As simple as that. Be smart, I have a good head on my shoulders... so I need to start using it. I need to better myself.


There is so much more I want to say and so many other resolutions but I really just can't type anymore.

I guess to put the rest up there:

NYR #8 - Figure out what I want this semester, just look deep within my soul and figure out what I want. I can't keep jumping back and forth across the tracks. I have got to make a decision.

NYR #9 - Get rid of things in my life that are not good for me, that are not good for my life. ( I have been starting to do that and already took away a few big things in my life)

NYR #10 - (everybody has this one)... loose weight. Loose the weight from being sick/injured/etc. I am so sick of being a cow.

NYR #11 - BE MOTIVATED

NYR #12 - Stop being so stubborn and let other help me and be there for me.

NYR #13- Work harder to achieve my goals.

Okay, that is enough for now.