I hit a high E flat today in my lesson. Brian was surprised/pleased to say the least. According to Him I am truly this coloratura soprano who is dieing to break out. I still don't even know what exactly a Coloratura is. I looked up some stuff and the Definition of Coloratura being: singing with florid ornamentation, powerful, dramatic, Acrobatic.
He said if I get these high notes really well then Marie will fall in love with me and force me to change me major to Opera which WILL NEVER happen. I guess I am pretty please with things though. Although I am sick I was hitting some unbelievable notes today with much ease.
I also have started singing a new song, from SIDESHOW.... and I have fallen in love with it. It is just.. I just love singing it. And it sure supplies that High E flat among other things.
Children of Eden has started, and let me say it will be one roller coaster ride, but I am excited. The music is amazing and we've already roughly learned most of it. Yes, most of it in two days... because in our department they like things to be rushed. Since I am still a little sick, I sometimes sit back and just listen to those around me... and so far it actually sounds pretty great. I know that this is going to be a wonderful show.
I am so excited for Dawn to arrive and start working the choreography, if anything what this show will have is amazing choreography from the original choreographer. Stoked.
Since spring break has ended I have been proud of my drive to get things accomplished. (especially along the lines of dance classes) ...
List of things this week that I am proud of:
-Today was the first day I actually jumped and turned on my left foot. Stepped right out and did a double with ease, which please me. I am excited that I am healing, just in time for Children of Eden. My jumps weren't amazing.. but hey... at least I got up the nerve to try... and it didn't even hurt that bad!
- I have actually been going to dance classes my friends! That's right.. yesterday morning I was in ballet class. Amazing.
-I managed to make it 20 minutes early for my 8:00am English class and I even participated in our intellectually challenged group discussions.
-I have been practicing my music out the wazoo and have memorized ALL of my music for the semester. (except for one of the two new pieces that I received yesterday)
-Although still a little on the ill side, my voice rehearsals with Julie and my make up lesson all went wonderfully. I was actually really proud of my singing for once. Its just... it just felt Nice to sing, and I haven't let that feeling come out in a long time. I have been so worried about all sorts of different things... but this week I just let go sang... glorious feeling.
-I have already gotten a head start on my next paper. WOW.
Anyway, now all I need to do is keep this drive up for the rest of the semester.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
So it is the marvelous spring break that everyone just waits and waits for. "It is the highlight of the spring semester." Bah. It is not that I have had a bad spring break so far, it is just... I don't fully understand the greatness of spring break, because I never really get a chance to just.. take a break. I planned to spend at least two hours a day at my coffee shop to just read, meditate, write, do artwork.. and I have yet to even step foot into the place. I have just been busy I guess. I planned on finally doing that today but then something horrible had to happen and I spent the day dealing with that. Isn't it ridiculous how things from your past decided to come back and screw up your life for no reason. Anyway, I am hoping to finally have some ME time tomorrow.
I am actually feeling a lot better although I still have a bit of the sniffles. In fact I have to blow my nose every five minutes. The head aches are still hanging around as well. But I am indeed better.
Saturday night was the magnificent St. Patrick's Day. I always seem to have great St. Patty's Days. For instance, last year was one of the funnest nights of 2006. I did have another wonderful St. Patty's day this year! I went to work that morning still sick as a dog and wanting to be anywhere but around my batch of hyper children. Surprisingly, my three and four year olds were very well behaved. They were just doing wonderfully!! The rest of my classes that morning were just as great, although small in numbers due to spring break. I left in a great mood and headed off to have lunch with the brilliant Gina. After a wonderful lunch full of old friends we headed to her house for our art therapy day. What a wonderful day it was!! Just sitting working on our art. We even watched Drop Dead Gorgeous for the second time this week. I adore that movie. REally. It is so clever and absolutely hilarious. It really isn't appreciated for the greatness it is. After our art day I headed to Stephen and Ben's house warming/st. patty's day party. I had a wonderful time. Not to mention the food was amazing thanks to the workings of Shaun-Michael. Brilliant cook he is. The night was full of laughter and good company.
Besides St. Patrick's Day the rest of spring break has been pretty decent. I was called to sub at the west branch and didn't know what I was getting myself into. I walk into this classroom and the parents just start going off about how their kids haven't learned anything and all they have been doing for the past few weeks is playing hokey pokey and jumping over blocks. I ws just amazed at how right they were. These children who have been in these dance classes for weeks didn't even know what first position was let alone anything else. And not to mention the fact that they were so poorly behaved. Their teacher has let them run around wild for weeks. Well I worked them hard. I tried to at least catch the kids up to where they should be. I also hired a new teacher for that branch. I feel sorry for the West branch because they don't even have an academy. Boy is that changing. That is my summer goal. To build and academy at the west branch. I think it will be quite full filling. I love sharing my passion for dance with children, and I can't wait to start this new program.
I am hoping to have some relaxing time over the next few days. I don't think that will happen because I will be spending my time reviewing applications and holding interviews to hire a new teacher for my academy. Someone who won't leave. I had to spend tonight getting yelled at by parents because of the fact that they never have the same teacher two weeks in a row. We had this problem when I started at the Y. That is the only class with that problem but the parents are still insisting on causing a scene and pulling their kids from the academy. I just stood there thinking "UGHH! this isn't my fault! Things happen! People quit there jobs and leave the rest of us in binds." Hopefully it will all work out. As of now I have a wonderful group of people to select from.
I have been lucky to spend time with the wonderful Crystal. It has been such a long time since we've had time to talk let alone have a lunch date. Twice this week we've hung out. How amazing is that? Today we went to our favorite place, Bella Luna.. and sat in our booth. Too bad they have a new cook at the central one and the food was not very good. We were very disappointed. We did have a chance to plan a sort of intervention on a friend of ours who needs to stop basically everything they are doing. This person needs to understand that he is not just hurting himself, but the people who love him so dearly. Everyone. He is hurting everyone. So... we are going to fix it.
I think that is enough talking. OFf to do more work... maybe work on some of my art...
T.
I am actually feeling a lot better although I still have a bit of the sniffles. In fact I have to blow my nose every five minutes. The head aches are still hanging around as well. But I am indeed better.
Saturday night was the magnificent St. Patrick's Day. I always seem to have great St. Patty's Days. For instance, last year was one of the funnest nights of 2006. I did have another wonderful St. Patty's day this year! I went to work that morning still sick as a dog and wanting to be anywhere but around my batch of hyper children. Surprisingly, my three and four year olds were very well behaved. They were just doing wonderfully!! The rest of my classes that morning were just as great, although small in numbers due to spring break. I left in a great mood and headed off to have lunch with the brilliant Gina. After a wonderful lunch full of old friends we headed to her house for our art therapy day. What a wonderful day it was!! Just sitting working on our art. We even watched Drop Dead Gorgeous for the second time this week. I adore that movie. REally. It is so clever and absolutely hilarious. It really isn't appreciated for the greatness it is. After our art day I headed to Stephen and Ben's house warming/st. patty's day party. I had a wonderful time. Not to mention the food was amazing thanks to the workings of Shaun-Michael. Brilliant cook he is. The night was full of laughter and good company.
Besides St. Patrick's Day the rest of spring break has been pretty decent. I was called to sub at the west branch and didn't know what I was getting myself into. I walk into this classroom and the parents just start going off about how their kids haven't learned anything and all they have been doing for the past few weeks is playing hokey pokey and jumping over blocks. I ws just amazed at how right they were. These children who have been in these dance classes for weeks didn't even know what first position was let alone anything else. And not to mention the fact that they were so poorly behaved. Their teacher has let them run around wild for weeks. Well I worked them hard. I tried to at least catch the kids up to where they should be. I also hired a new teacher for that branch. I feel sorry for the West branch because they don't even have an academy. Boy is that changing. That is my summer goal. To build and academy at the west branch. I think it will be quite full filling. I love sharing my passion for dance with children, and I can't wait to start this new program.
I am hoping to have some relaxing time over the next few days. I don't think that will happen because I will be spending my time reviewing applications and holding interviews to hire a new teacher for my academy. Someone who won't leave. I had to spend tonight getting yelled at by parents because of the fact that they never have the same teacher two weeks in a row. We had this problem when I started at the Y. That is the only class with that problem but the parents are still insisting on causing a scene and pulling their kids from the academy. I just stood there thinking "UGHH! this isn't my fault! Things happen! People quit there jobs and leave the rest of us in binds." Hopefully it will all work out. As of now I have a wonderful group of people to select from.
I have been lucky to spend time with the wonderful Crystal. It has been such a long time since we've had time to talk let alone have a lunch date. Twice this week we've hung out. How amazing is that? Today we went to our favorite place, Bella Luna.. and sat in our booth. Too bad they have a new cook at the central one and the food was not very good. We were very disappointed. We did have a chance to plan a sort of intervention on a friend of ours who needs to stop basically everything they are doing. This person needs to understand that he is not just hurting himself, but the people who love him so dearly. Everyone. He is hurting everyone. So... we are going to fix it.
I think that is enough talking. OFf to do more work... maybe work on some of my art...
T.
Friday, March 16, 2007
I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow.
I have heard this from many people I believe know what they are talking about:
"If you ever find yourself doubting your work, or even once think that maybe this isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life... then get out of it as fast as possible."
These past few days I have been very sick and have been held up in a living room with a box of Kleenex, a cup of tea, and my brain. My brain which has been thinking a lot about life, about every little detail.... about the future. And honestly, if I look ahead ten years.. I don't see anything. Whatever I see is blank... somewhat like a blank canvas but not even that certain. See with a blank canvas future, you at least know that something is ahead of you.. something you can create and mold to whatever you want it to be. With me... I just see blank. Nothing. And everything I put into that blank-ness doesn't seem to fit. Nothing seems to be right.
So... so what.. I am at that milestone in your life where you think "what do I want to do with the rest of my life." Everyone goes through it... probably multiple times. So.. I am there. At that "what do I want" stage.... and I ... I am completely lost.
Do I want to perform? Do I want to teach? Do I want to do technical work? Do I want to write? What do I want.
I just... I don't know. I mean, I do love the theatre so much. Performing... it just... I never feel better than when I am on a stage. I know I love it, people can tell. I mean someone I knew only for a few days told me "You do love it Sara, I can tell when you talk about it. You have this passion... that is contagious." But do I?
I know that.. like I have said before.. that I have to have change. I can't do the same thing day after day.
I looked back at something I wrote a few days ago and what I wrote was this:
"I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....
i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I'll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love."
I am just so complete and utterly confused. I know I love performing but sometimes it just... it seems like a joke. Like a I am living in this dream world. I know I will never be good enough to actually make it. I am good, but I can't see myself making a living do it. Dealing with the stress, the craziness... I can barely deal now. But then I think about life without it and that doesn't seem to make sense either. I need the stress, I need the nervous craziness I feel every time I walk into an audition... I need that feeling of accomplishment every time I do something wonderfully... every time I sing something in a lesson and I know that my professor is actually proud of me.
I just... I guess I am scared. I am scared of what I want. But I can't let fear hold me back from what I love. I have to fight for it.
Ah.. what am I even saying. I just... I... I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I just... confused.
I can't see myself doing theatre but then Ican't see myself doing anything else.
Someone asked me the other day if I were to change my major, what would I change it to. And I sat there and I thought about it... and I thought about it long and hard. I even asked them if I could get back to them.. and when I did the next day.. I said... honestly.. I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else...
but then I look ahead ot the future and see that blank-ness. I just...
I don't know.
Next week is spring break and for this first time in my life.. I have absolutely no obligations. I have a full week that I have nowhere I have to be. So I am going totake the week for me, and only me. Now I don't have money to go anywhere... heck, I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to the other side of town... so I am going to have to stay here and have this week of meditation... well.. here. I have spent so much of my life saying "I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow." ... It is getting a little late for that.
I just.. I don't know...
(any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.)
"If you ever find yourself doubting your work, or even once think that maybe this isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life... then get out of it as fast as possible."
These past few days I have been very sick and have been held up in a living room with a box of Kleenex, a cup of tea, and my brain. My brain which has been thinking a lot about life, about every little detail.... about the future. And honestly, if I look ahead ten years.. I don't see anything. Whatever I see is blank... somewhat like a blank canvas but not even that certain. See with a blank canvas future, you at least know that something is ahead of you.. something you can create and mold to whatever you want it to be. With me... I just see blank. Nothing. And everything I put into that blank-ness doesn't seem to fit. Nothing seems to be right.
So... so what.. I am at that milestone in your life where you think "what do I want to do with the rest of my life." Everyone goes through it... probably multiple times. So.. I am there. At that "what do I want" stage.... and I ... I am completely lost.
Do I want to perform? Do I want to teach? Do I want to do technical work? Do I want to write? What do I want.
I just... I don't know. I mean, I do love the theatre so much. Performing... it just... I never feel better than when I am on a stage. I know I love it, people can tell. I mean someone I knew only for a few days told me "You do love it Sara, I can tell when you talk about it. You have this passion... that is contagious." But do I?
I know that.. like I have said before.. that I have to have change. I can't do the same thing day after day.
I looked back at something I wrote a few days ago and what I wrote was this:
"I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....
i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I'll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love."
I am just so complete and utterly confused. I know I love performing but sometimes it just... it seems like a joke. Like a I am living in this dream world. I know I will never be good enough to actually make it. I am good, but I can't see myself making a living do it. Dealing with the stress, the craziness... I can barely deal now. But then I think about life without it and that doesn't seem to make sense either. I need the stress, I need the nervous craziness I feel every time I walk into an audition... I need that feeling of accomplishment every time I do something wonderfully... every time I sing something in a lesson and I know that my professor is actually proud of me.
I just... I guess I am scared. I am scared of what I want. But I can't let fear hold me back from what I love. I have to fight for it.
Ah.. what am I even saying. I just... I... I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I just... confused.
I can't see myself doing theatre but then Ican't see myself doing anything else.
Someone asked me the other day if I were to change my major, what would I change it to. And I sat there and I thought about it... and I thought about it long and hard. I even asked them if I could get back to them.. and when I did the next day.. I said... honestly.. I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else...
but then I look ahead ot the future and see that blank-ness. I just...
I don't know.
Next week is spring break and for this first time in my life.. I have absolutely no obligations. I have a full week that I have nowhere I have to be. So I am going totake the week for me, and only me. Now I don't have money to go anywhere... heck, I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to the other side of town... so I am going to have to stay here and have this week of meditation... well.. here. I have spent so much of my life saying "I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow." ... It is getting a little late for that.
I just.. I don't know...
(any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.)
Monday, March 12, 2007
I am forced to believe that I can't be anything more than this. I just.. I don't know
I am so unbeliveably disapointed in myself that it is hard to see what I am typing through the tears streaming down my face. To think that I had come so far and then to throw it all away... and as much as I want to tell myself that it isn't that bad, I look and see that it really is that bad... it is horrible, I am horrible.
I just have this mix of emotions that are swirling through my head, so many emotions I can't keep them straight. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip all of the thoughts from my mind so that i will hurt no more.
I am not going to say that I am not scared, because I am. Very much so. I keep trying to find myself, find out who I am.. and then end up here..in this same place. with these same habits.
I am back to step one. Back to those old emotions, those old feelings. I am identical to myself a year ago, STILLL... and that scares me.
I have come nowhere...
and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry.
it is allthe same:
Mixed emotions are the worst.
So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.
Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.
Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretending.... I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.
and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.
I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.
I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.
Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries
and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.
My only question is... What now?
I am so unbeliveably disapointed in myself that it is hard to see what I am typing through the tears streaming down my face. To think that I had come so far and then to throw it all away... and as much as I want to tell myself that it isn't that bad, I look and see that it really is that bad... it is horrible, I am horrible.
I just have this mix of emotions that are swirling through my head, so many emotions I can't keep them straight. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip all of the thoughts from my mind so that i will hurt no more.
I am not going to say that I am not scared, because I am. Very much so. I keep trying to find myself, find out who I am.. and then end up here..in this same place. with these same habits.
I am back to step one. Back to those old emotions, those old feelings. I am identical to myself a year ago, STILLL... and that scares me.
I have come nowhere...
and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry.
it is allthe same:
Mixed emotions are the worst.
So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.
Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.
Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretending.... I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.
and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.
I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.
I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.
Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries
and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.
My only question is... What now?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
emotion
Sid just called and told me she was driving to Wichita. I couldn't be happier to hear that, although the situation sucks. I need her now, I need my best friend here going through all of this shit with me. Seeing her in somewhere around 18 hours will be good for me. I need to see her, I need her to be here.
After a nervous break down this week I thought about how much I needed some Blide time. So today I visited Blide and poured out my heart and soul. We talked for a long time about change, about how things are going in our lives. I heard updates on people from SE. I found out things I didn't want to know and things I was happy to hear.
Washington is getting married, Holt has terminal cancer... karver had a baby... this beyond many many other things.
wow how things change.
I don't know, it just was nice to have her there for me. It reminds me of high school where I could just run in and sit under her desk and cry whenever things were going wrong. Too bad I don't have that protection fromthe world anymore. I can't just run to Blides room so she can make everything okay.
and getting to talk to her at all was a miracle, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once a semester at most.
And about change....
I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....
i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I’ll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love.I can't handle this bullshit anymore. This same old crap.
Mal sent me a picture, a sonogram of my God child. She is already amazing.
I am just full of a lot of emotion today. I don't know why.
After a nervous break down this week I thought about how much I needed some Blide time. So today I visited Blide and poured out my heart and soul. We talked for a long time about change, about how things are going in our lives. I heard updates on people from SE. I found out things I didn't want to know and things I was happy to hear.
Washington is getting married, Holt has terminal cancer... karver had a baby... this beyond many many other things.
wow how things change.
I don't know, it just was nice to have her there for me. It reminds me of high school where I could just run in and sit under her desk and cry whenever things were going wrong. Too bad I don't have that protection fromthe world anymore. I can't just run to Blides room so she can make everything okay.
and getting to talk to her at all was a miracle, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once a semester at most.
And about change....
I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....
i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I’ll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love.I can't handle this bullshit anymore. This same old crap.
Mal sent me a picture, a sonogram of my God child. She is already amazing.
I am just full of a lot of emotion today. I don't know why.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Who says Wichita doesnt' have talent
My Dear friend and fellow WSU Music Theatre major, JAvier Perez-Gomez, recently recorded a CD. Here are two songs from his CD. WOW AMAZING.
This is from Zanna, Don't
In Order: JAvier Perez-Gomez, Zack Powell, Kylie Jo Jennings, and Miss Desi Oakley
(dang I have talented friends :) )
This song is called FLight and was written by Craig Carnelia
This is from Zanna, Don't
In Order: JAvier Perez-Gomez, Zack Powell, Kylie Jo Jennings, and Miss Desi Oakley
(dang I have talented friends :) )
This song is called FLight and was written by Craig Carnelia
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Oh Lord... give me strength.... give me hope
I need strenght, I need hope... I need so much right now.
The caption that goes with the picture to the left says this:
"There are days Hope is only hanging by a string, but that is enough for me to wait for the door to open, and then my world will change. "
(photo by Kathlene Smith)
I always have been excellent at getting myself out of bad situations. I always get myself into this horrible situations, and in these holes.... and I always have been able to get myself out at the last minute.....
but this time...
I really don't think that I have what it takes to get out of the situation I've gotten myself in to.
I am just so stressed out, and overwhelmed, and completely mad at myself. In fact I hate myself at the moment (which isn't anything unusual) but right now I am just kicking myself for all of the mistakes I have made over the past few months.
but this time...
I really don't think that I have what it takes to get out of the situation I've gotten myself in to.
I am just so stressed out, and overwhelmed, and completely mad at myself. In fact I hate myself at the moment (which isn't anything unusual) but right now I am just kicking myself for all of the mistakes I have made over the past few months.
I just hope and pray that everything works out, but I really just don't see that happening.
I am just.. I am just so mad at myself right now.
Help.
Help.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Remember Me
"There I was on the highest mountain in all the universe
standing right where an ancient people had disappeared or worse
around me were the Remnants of the lives they left behind
and all at once this feeling of this knowledge filled my mind
if i myself were to somehow someday up and disappear
What of me would be left behind to show that I'd been here
There I was on the highest mountain in all the universe
and the only things that I'd leave behind would be cluttering my purse
no carvings of creatures on ancient stone
if i vanished off the face of earth
and recognized that no...
except for you, you'd remember me
you're my friend, you'd remember
i never realized what I had to fight for and protect
the only way we live beyond our lives is to connect
and carve ourselves into the souls of those we love
There I was on the highest mountain always so prepared
here i am now in New york City
caught off guard
and scared.
so I need you, you'll remember me
i now you'll remember me
say that you'll remember me"
standing right where an ancient people had disappeared or worse
around me were the Remnants of the lives they left behind
and all at once this feeling of this knowledge filled my mind
if i myself were to somehow someday up and disappear
What of me would be left behind to show that I'd been here
There I was on the highest mountain in all the universe
and the only things that I'd leave behind would be cluttering my purse
no carvings of creatures on ancient stone
if i vanished off the face of earth
and recognized that no...
except for you, you'd remember me
you're my friend, you'd remember
i never realized what I had to fight for and protect
the only way we live beyond our lives is to connect
and carve ourselves into the souls of those we love
There I was on the highest mountain always so prepared
here i am now in New york City
caught off guard
and scared.
so I need you, you'll remember me
i now you'll remember me
say that you'll remember me"
-Remember Me
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Overcoming my biggest obstacle
"but please remember that you have a GIFT!!!Gifts are meant to be shared, you have many people who love you and believe in you because they seen the incredible talent that you have. What a fantastic way to do something that you love and Sara, you DO love this!! I can tell, it's all over your face when you talk about it. Don't let fear hold you back because that will only bring you down. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves out there and just go for it, even if it's not perfect, even if we fail. Just take a deep breath and sing. I hope that you will one day be able to lay all out on the stage and walk away with the feeling that you gave it everything you had. That's when you will leave people breathless. You have so much to give and offer and share with people and this passion for theatre that is contagious! Live your life with no regrets, and know that you can give 100% every time. Like I said it may not be 100% perfect, but that's the only way that we can grow and improve."
Thank you.
This person helped me overcome one of the biggest obstacles for me, performing wise. A total stranger who now has grown to be a friend. Someone who believed in me from the first moment she met me. Someone who saw something in me, a spark, from our first conversation. She helped me overcoming my biggest fear, and for that I am thankful.
Thanks for trying to help me overcome something I struggle with so much, believing in one of the thousands of total strangers you meet, and caring. It truly shows great of a person you are.We will probably never meet again, but know that I am totally blessed to of met you, because I do believe (like the song says) that you are led to people who help you most to grow... which is exactly what you did. :)
Thank you.
This person helped me overcome one of the biggest obstacles for me, performing wise. A total stranger who now has grown to be a friend. Someone who believed in me from the first moment she met me. Someone who saw something in me, a spark, from our first conversation. She helped me overcoming my biggest fear, and for that I am thankful.
Thanks for trying to help me overcome something I struggle with so much, believing in one of the thousands of total strangers you meet, and caring. It truly shows great of a person you are.We will probably never meet again, but know that I am totally blessed to of met you, because I do believe (like the song says) that you are led to people who help you most to grow... which is exactly what you did. :)
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