emotion

Sid just called and told me she was driving to Wichita. I couldn't be happier to hear that, although the situation sucks. I need her now, I need my best friend here going through all of this shit with me. Seeing her in somewhere around 18 hours will be good for me. I need to see her, I need her to be here.

After a nervous break down this week I thought about how much I needed some Blide time. So today I visited Blide and poured out my heart and soul. We talked for a long time about change, about how things are going in our lives. I heard updates on people from SE. I found out things I didn't want to know and things I was happy to hear.

Washington is getting married, Holt has terminal cancer... karver had a baby... this beyond many many other things.

wow how things change.

I don't know, it just was nice to have her there for me. It reminds me of high school where I could just run in and sit under her desk and cry whenever things were going wrong. Too bad I don't have that protection fromthe world anymore. I can't just run to Blides room so she can make everything okay.

and getting to talk to her at all was a miracle, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once a semester at most.


And about change....

I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I’ll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love.I can't handle this bullshit anymore. This same old crap.

Mal sent me a picture, a sonogram of my God child. She is already amazing.

I am just full of a lot of emotion today. I don't know why.