I am not going to say that I am NOT scared, because I am.

I know that nobody knows what they want out of life, whether they think so or not. So I know that I am not the only one who is confused, lost, depressed, etc.

My best friend decided in on night to move to Ohio, so in two weeks she will be gone. She dropped all her classes, quit her job, ect. She is depressed, lost, confused and just needs to get out of Kansas to figure herself out. Figure out what she wants out of life, figure out who she is. If you have ever read any of my previous rants you probably know that this is something I have considered doing for quite some time.

I mean, I don't even know what I want out of life. I don't know who I am... I am stuck in this imaginary world basically. I keep trying to find myself and keep finding myself in the same place. It is like I am going around in circles or something, if that makes any sense at all. In fact, I wrote a blog about a year ago and when I re-read over it tonight I realized how I feel the same way now... a year later. Nothing has changed.

Here are my words:

Mixed emotions are the worst.
So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
But... I can't be happy or anything with myself after some of the decisions I have made these past few weeks. I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.
I mean, I am never going to not have depression in my life... it is apart of me as much as I hate to say it...
but I can't sit and have this negative outlook.


Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.
Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretend....Pretend that I am in this perfect world and pretend that I will just have things handed to me. I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.
and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.
I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
I love it I do, I do so much... and it makes me happy believe it or not... yes, me ... I Can be happy... there are things that make me happy... but sometimes it seems like it is not enough.. sometimes it hits me that I can't live in this made up world any longer...
and being realistic is the hardest thing for me to do...
Ah.. I was so happy.. I was so happy and I thought that everything was perfect and I was actually for once... actually going to be worth something... but I guess that isn't true... Speaking of reality.. in ALL reality I am going to be nothing, and they know that and I know that but I don't want to force myself to believe it... I can't force myself to believe it..because I love it too much to want to let go and give up...
I know it is hard for a child to give up their dreams ... who ever said that is was a piece of cake for an adult to do so?
I am so confused and I thought that I knew, and I prayed for a sign, and I thought I had gotten one, but I guess it wasn't anything more than luck.
Luck... Luck has never played me a fair hand... life has never played me a fair hand either...
it is like they all are out to get me and all I want is to live in my stupid made up fantasy, and I don't know why.
I don't know why I want it.. I don't know what it is for... I don't know ...
I... I don't know
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
HEY... it's never going to happen and it hits you hard as it has hit me tonight.
AND NO, I am not being pessimistic, I Am being realistic which hurts... hurts so bad.
and it is not that I am giving up, I am just being .. what is it kids? Realistic!and there will always be that magically "What if" in the back of my mind... and it will always be in my heart, locked deep down inside of me.... but there will always be a
WHAT IF
in my mind.
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
People believe so much that I have things that I really don't have... hi expectations of me I guess... welll I am out to ruin everyone's expectations of me... because I am not who you think I am.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.

I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.

Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries

and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.

My only question is... What now?