The things that have been going through my head these past few weeks, wow. Not only do I feel completely empty inside but I feel unable to breath. I sat with my Bible yesterday and read his word trying I guess to find some comfort in the fact that although everything around me is crumbling to the ground, my relationship with him is still there. Although it isn't holding as strongly as I would hope it to, it is still there. As I have gone through the week it felt as if I am just going through the motions. I didn't even really go to that many classes because I just didn't feel the need to with me leaving and all. Now I don't even know if that is happening. I threw such a fit last time they were talking about me going away and now when I actually want to they think it is a bad idea. Like I am wanting to play crazy for a few months to get out of this ridiculous horrible little town. They can see right past the plan I built for myself. True, I don't need to go away but I want to so badly that playing crazy and getting shipped off sounds pretty dang amazing when compared to staying here. So... That is not going to happen, unfortunately. I made these big plans about getting away, even went and filled out drop slips and all... and now I am staying here. I have talked to many people about the "me leaving" situation and everyone does think that yes, I do need to get away but that I should wait until summer or next semester to get away. Not run out on all of my obligations of this semester. Like all my shows, and my job, and classes, and all of those other little things. So... I guess they are right, I can't run from my problems and obligations although I tried. Although I tried to run, I can not. So this summer, if I don't get a job from a theatre (which I probably won't) I am gone. And I have already talked to my advisers about me not being here this fall semester. Where will I go? I have not a clue. But I believe that God will guide me to somewhere... somewhere where I can breath, where I can live in peace and live for him. The only problem is that if I leave, just for a few months to clear my head and figure out what I want... I know I won't come back. I know I will not come back. As much as I say it now, that I will just take a few months to figure things out and return back to Kansas, school, my life... but I know that I won't come back. I just spend each day praying to God to guide me in the right direction because I need so much for his guidance. I can't do it alone, I have for so long and I know that no matter what I am never going to feel complete, whole, accomplished if I do not do things with him by my side. In my Bible times I have been focusing a lot of Psalms 18 among others. Psalms18:16-19" He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. "
I think that one of my main problems with the whole staying on track with God things is who and what I surround myself with. I spend 75% of the time listening to my friends bash religion and I can't do it anymore. I mean, one of the only reasons I am still even a little bit sane is because of the Lord. because although things suck 95% of the time, he strengthens me. Gives me hope in the fact that everything is going to be okay. I mean why do I even care about anything or everything else. It is all so trivial, so dumb.
On a different note, I still have this lack of motivation problem. I so many auditions coming up soon. WSU's Children of Eden auditions are next week and I don't want to audition. The only reason I am is because if you are on MT scholarship you are required to audition for every show. Now I am not only audition for the show but actually auditioning for a part, thanks to the persuasive skills of Javier. He convinced me to audition for the part of Yonah. He will undoubtedly be Cain and he told me he would love most for me to play Yonah over the other females auditioning for the part. He said that the music sits well in my range (which it does) and that I fit the part well. So....It took a lot of convincing but he did it. So yesterday I picked up some music and am cracking away. So yes people, I am audition for Yonah, although I know I won't get it. This whole thing is a joke. I don't know why I am even going through with it. I am fine with just being in the Ensemble, because I know that is what is going to happen. No need to humiliate myself along the way.
Then Midwest is so soon. Only a few weeks away and I am anything but ready. I am so scared, so nervous. I don't know what I am singing, I haven't even run my song and monologue with the time limit. I am so lost. I haven't updated my resume, I haven't made my kinko's run with my head shots. I haven't even picked a head shot for Midwest or gotten new more professional ones taken. Don't get me wrong, I think that Kasey did a phenomenal job, just according to some people they aren't "professional enough" since they were done in some 18 year old's bedroom at three o'clock in the morning. Jeez. I need to get my ducks in a row and fast. Hunting season is starting ASAP and I am not even out of the house.
Then to make things even better, Brian has decided that he is going to take the classical approach with me this semester. Yes that is right... whipping out the Italian, German, French.... ridiculous. I really do not like singing classical music. And not only is he taking the classical approach but we are only working on my upper registrar and head voice this semester. SO now every time I or he picks out a song it is a super super high one. He even gave me a range of how high it has to be. I brought to him three pieces this morning all fairly high and he turned all three away saying the were not long enough. Actually.. He said I could work on the middle of COME DOWN FROM THE TREE.. the "la la" section and that is it. I am sorry but it is really frustrating. I hate my upper register, I am not comfortable with it and he will not let me sing what I am comfortable singing. Granted this is good for me, working on the upper register is good for me... but I don't want to do it. I mean he even said that FORGIVENESS from JANE EYRE sat two low. He is certain to turn me into a soprano. He told me that. He told me that "I am Turing you into the soprano you truly are." Did I mention that I hate sopranos, no offense to those of you who are. I do, they are so... unoriginal. I like the belt, character, fun songs. Not the floaty and flitzy crap. gr. Enough complaining.
I might just say screw my therapist and leave anyway. I have got to get out of here!
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