and how....

I really don't like Valentine's Day, although I don't exactly know why I am complaining about it now seeing that it is the 15th of February. Nevertheless, I dislike the holiday. It is a day meant for making people like me realize that they are alone and they will always be alone. Growing up as bag ladies with there 57 and 1/2 cats. Now I may not grow to be a bag lady or grow to have 57 and 1/2 cats but it is certain that I will grow to love no one. My few attempts at love have been disastrous leaving me to be somewhat of a... oh I don't know... a lonely bitter man-hating feminist who has plenty more to piss her off than just men.





So I am here on this Valentine's Day evening sitting in my actually freakishly clean apartment alone. I did have plans to spend the evening with my best friend drowning our sorrows in season three of (a show I'd never actually admit to liking) and lots of other guilty pleasures but that all changed when she did end up getting a Valentine's Date. I saw it coming of course. Men fall head over heals for her and although it makes me sick to my stomach and it gets a little old at times... I am use to it. I am use to the fact that every man in Wichita and surrounding states find my best friend simply irritable. I did have a Valentine, I mean I do have one. Matt Nutter called me last night really late and asked me to be my ?Valentine and that he would UN-gay himself and date me for one day. Funny I know. Too bad I did not see him even once today because I was practicing my clarinet during our lunch date since my lesson was moved to today at 1:00.





Speaking of clarinets, I found it hilarious that my clarinet professor decided to act as my therapist today. It was quite funny in fact. She old me she had always wanted to be a therapist and so we talked about things that were troubling me. She told me that from day one of meeting me that she knew I was messed up... I was thinking as in day one being our first lesson... and she said that day one was actually meaning the time we actually met at Red Robin when I was her waitress and we started talking about the WSU music program and what not. Nevertheless, I had a therapy session today instead of a lesson. I managed to play maybe one scale and that is all we could fit in. Ridiculous.





So my Midwest audition is less than two weeks away and I am very nervous. People have had their music and monologues picked out for weeks, even months... but not Sara the great. I still have yet to pick a song or monologue. I have many performance ready, don't get me wrong.. I just haven't made a final decision yet or rehearsed it with the time limit and what not. And besides picking out my audition material I have got to book a hotel, update my resume, figure out who is driving, take my head shots to kinkos and make a bazillion copies... etc etc etc. That all is very important bu I have got to pick audition material asap. Tomorrow. Brian wants me to sing We Deserve Each other... He told me that it shows off my voice and that I sing the snot out of it... but I really just don't want to sing it. I don't at all in fact. So we argued about that to day. Speaking of Brian and today, I must say that I had a FABULOUS voice lesson today. The first good one I have had all semester! It is about time and I am really happy that he was pleased with my work. From point one I sang and he stopped me and said "Who are you? and where have you been hiding this voice all semester." It was great to actually do something well this semester.





Children of Eden auditions tomorrow, woo hoo. I am just so excited. *Note: That sentence was overflowing with sarcasm. If I am ready for any auditions it is COE. I mean once I finish memorizing the music.





I guess overall things are a tad bit better, I am accepting the fact that there is no way I am leaving this semester. Now if I would only go to class. And if I would sleep! This no sleep thing has got to stop. This only sleep for two hours and then not for days... and then over load on coffee and other things... it is going to kill me.





So the best friend is moving to Ohio on Sunday, what a change this will be. I am tempted to go up there with her, screw Kansas. Oh wait, I forget! I CAN'T LEAVE. I can but I can't. Ah, we've been over this.Whatever, I think the distance between us will be good for us. I will miss her, muchly.





It is really really really cold in this apartment. I think the heater is broken. Oh and did I mention that it is snowing again? I hate snow. Give me rain, give me a tornado, anything. This crap has got to stop.





I went to the music library and checked out about five books of music that were suggested to me. I have been spending all my spare time trying to pick music for this semester. A little late, I know... all because of my make up juries.. which I still haven't done. Wow I am just doing great this semester aren't I.








Ah so that is my life.

I really need to stop being so negative.

Well on the bright side of things, I am getting more on track spiritually. Again. I am back to reading my Bible everyday and having much needed quiet times. I am back to studying the book of James, one I have studied many a times. It is a small book but has much to it. I sometimes spend a long long time on just a few verses. Nevertheless, I am feeling better. I am getting back onto the road of where I want to be.

So about that list of resolutions and goals... I want to try another crack at it. I thought that all hope was lost... but I want to try again. So I will....

I am not leaving anymore so I need to make the best of being here.

And the only way to do that is get my life back on track... work towards those goals... strengthen my relationship with the Lord... and the other things.

I am still depressed out of my mind... but I am going to try once again to work past it.