EAST WICHITA BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
ANDOVER BARBIE: The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
DELANO BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Midtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
DERBY BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
(Not gonna lie, I think that the Derby barbie is my favorite!)
WEST WICHITA BARBIE: Snooty but friendly, she thinks she's perfect in every way. She thinks no one else knows what Skipper's doing with her Ken, but the whole cul-de-sac knows. Currently no one knows where Ken is because he's always out a-huntin'.
RIVERSIDE BARBIE: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
OLD TOWN BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse-conversion condo.
HAYSVILLE-PARK CITY BARBIE: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
EASTBOROUGH-COLLEGE HILL BARBIE: This princess Barbie is sold only at Bradley Fair. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic-golfaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
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