Is there any chance that I could go back?

I had a voice lesson the other day that did not go well at all. I really was sure that Brian was going to rip my face off. I sang one of my new pieces (Forgiveness from Jane Eyre) as well as all my jury pieces. This is sort of how the conversation went:
Me: "Singing lalala dee da"
Brian: stops me "Are you even trying?"
Me: "I just... my voice is so weak right now."
Brian: "and you spent all break not practicing"
Me: "yea, I know. I took a break from everything"
Brian:"well, forgiveness is a great song and based on how you just sang it I would tell you you are not doing it this semester.. but lets put it away and try again later"
Me: "eh.."
Brian: " Okay.. do We Deserve Each other"
Me: "singing la lala dee laa"
Brian: "What is wrong? I mean.. what is the problem? Are you scared of singing, scared of your voice, me what? I mean..you have this big voice in you... I know I have made it come out before... but what is the problem now? I mean there is always something. Have you ever stopped to think that these problems are psychological? That you freak yourself out and that is why you are always sick? we cannot start off every semester like this Sara. We will never get anywhere if we always start from the beginning"
Me: I'm standing there at the verge of tears, staring at the floor.
Brian: "Sara, you have a pretty voice, and you are a pretty girl.. I mean you have talent... and then you don't use it and close up like this. I mean... Do you want to sing?"
Me: "yes.."
Brian: "Do you want to do music theatre?"
Me: "Yes..."
Brian: "Then do it...stop this crap and just do it. Start from the beginning of the Chess piece"
Me: "singing.. ladeed lada"


There is a lot more that went on in the lesson, but that is just a snip of how it went. I just felt like such a failure. I came so far last semester and it just feels like I threw all of it away. ALL of it. It just... I just wish that I wouldn't of slacked off.. and been unmotivated.

I want to sing. I want to do music theatre... I have this passion, this deep passion... but sometimes I let my lack of motivation take over. And I am sure that makes no sense at all... If you have passion then you would naturally have the motivation... but that just isn't true for me. I get into these moods where trying just seems worthless because I see myself as worthless... which is no excuse to do poorly but that is just how I work. I put myself down and push myself down and then I do poorly... because I wouldn't let myself do well.

ugh.. it is hard to explain.

I just wish that I could go back and start break over... practice everyday... and so that when I walked into Brian's office I sounded even better than I did when I left in December.



While I was typing this entry I received some unexpected but exciting news. Mallory is sitting here, my darling little pregnant Mallory. Well she is a lot more pregnant than we thought. At the doctor's appointment today the doctor informed her that there were TWO heart beats. That is right my friends! Mallory is having twins. So exciting! I am going to have a two nieces!! Or Nephews! Or a niece and a nephew! AHH! yayay!