vent.

Sometimes I just don't understand the world, and every one of my attempts at making myself happier. It's like everywhere I turn there is nothing there, everything is a blank wall. There’s nothing there. Nothing. It is just this space, this space full of nothing. This life full of nothing. This body, this aching body... bruised and tormented full of nothing.

I made this list of so many goals and resolutions, this list that I poured my heart and my soul into. I felt that I was actually starting things off right, starting this new year off on the right foot. I felt in place with God, or at least on my way back to being there. I made all these plans, all these wonderful and motivated plans. And they are all gone. All of them... and I just pray and pray for guidance and I am back at that blank wall... Like he can't hear me at all. Sometimes I think that I just don't deserves it... don't deserve to be loved by the one who loves me the most. I just... I pray and there is just this block. This block that just won't freaking move. It is like I have this rain cloud that just won't let up, it won't go away.

God I just can't do it. I look at myself in the mirror and I can not stand the woman staring back at me. Staring back at me with that look, with those puff eyes and black circles. I am so unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I can't get up in the morning, I don't care about anything... Everything just seems like it isn't worth the effort. I mean my damn best friend has to sit and tell me that I need help. What the hell do you think I am trying to do? What do you think I have been trying to do for so long?? I know I am messed up, that's a given.. I just... it's hard. It is... believe it or not... it is. I've been through this... and the second time isn't any easier.

I don't want to live like this and it isn't fair to those who are trying to help me, those who have to take the wrath of my problems. There is just like this pain, this pain that won't go away. The same pain I had a long time ago...back when... I don't know... when cutting myself was a damn fashion statement. When it was something I did on a daily basis because I just hated myself so much. When that was the only way I knew of dealing with things, the only way I knew how to get rid of the pain inside. You know, concentrating so much on the pain you are giving to yourself that all the crap in your life just.... seems so trivial and inexistent. I remember back in high school when I walked by and everyone whispered "There goes that really depressed girl, you know why she only wears long sleeves right?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to making that a daily ritual, not at all... but I am meaning that pain I felt all the time inside... that pain that made me do those things... it is back... and stronger than ever. I mean I was what... 13, 14... 15 ... now I know of other ways of dealing with the pain. One of them for such a long time way praying and reading my Bible... and then...the others...well...they are not necessarily ones I am proud of.

Nevertheless there is a problem, a problem with me. I keep acting like it is just going to go away eventually but it has just gotten worse over time. Now... I am here at my breaking point. I had this really bad panic attack the other night, just woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breathe or think... or even talk. I calmed down thanks to a friend, but I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling trying to think but I just couldn't do it. I have never felt so empty in my entire life then I did in that moment. And the last few days I spent... having me time. Thinking about everything... I thought about my past, about everything that has happened.

You know one of my resolutions was not letting my past define me, and it does. It is my entire world. It is ridiculous.... but people have gone through a lot more than me and they are fine with forgetting the past... but oh no.. not me. Not me the depressed over dramatic human. Sometimes I don't even feel human.

I have just screwed up so much that even thinking about it reduces me to sobs. Sobs and shakes as I sit and rip myself apart and beat myself up because I am such and idiot and I make such bad decisions. When all I want is to just... be happy... and be with the Lord..and be loved.... I mean I can name only one to two people, besides the Lord, who truly love me unconditionally...and for all I know there might not even be that. .... I mean I need that. I need to feel loved. Then There is the whole being able to actually smile and mean it. I put on this act this stupid little act so that nobody knows how I feel. So that nobody knows what is going on. It is so .... ugh.... I don't feel real.


So now I am here... trying to figure out what I could possibly do to change all of this... because I am falling... and fast. I never thought that going back was something I ever was going to consider, but maybe ... maybe it is true. Maybe all of this crap happening around me is pushing me back. Maybe it is what I need. I am just afraid that it will make things worse. I told myself if I ever went back that... well...

I just... I don't know. I don't.

I'm not healthy, not at all. I mean who sits and thinks of the most convenient way to kill herself at least 16 hours of the day. Now when I was a 15 that would be something to worry about... but I was 15... I mean I know that it isn't something I would actually do now. Now that I am an adult I know what it does. I have seen to many people, to many friends pull that shit. I have seen how it affects the rest of the world. Believe it or not... Wichita has a pretty high teenage suicide rate.. and they always just so happen to be somebody I know.. because I know everyone... no but I know that I couldn't put my friends through that... my family, although the problems we have. I could never do that to someone... to anyone. It just... sucks having those thoughts run constantly through my mind, especially when I would never even consider really doing it. Okay, that is a lie because the other night I was actually truly considering it... and I really think that it scared me... scared me into thinking that... maybe I can’t do this on my own.
I have always done everything on my own. I am so freaking stubborn, independent. I mean for example.. Something I need... something I want so much is to just... be cared about.. be loved.. and I push away anyone who comes close. I shut out my friends, I shut out basically everyone. Especially when people want to help. I just.. I hate letting people help me. It makes me feel weak... and then I get on that mind set.... and then I am weak... that was one of my resolutions... letting people help... letting people love me.

Anyway... nothing makes me happy anymore, not even the things that I really love. Singing.... dance.... they all just seem so stupid. So stupid... when I know that is not how I want to feel. I don't want to hate everything.

I can't talk anymore, I am going to go try and read my bible. Pray.... do something...

Maybe sleep for a change. My body is about to crash.... maybe eat... haven’t been doing that either. I have however, drank a lot of coffee.

Oh, I lied again... when I said that nothing makes me happy.... yea... coffee does. I don’t know why... but it is like my comfort... like a comfort food... or a ... comfort counselor... yea... no chocolate or Dr. smiles for me... I am good with coffee.



One thing I know... is that I can't be afraid anymore...

"I'm not afraid of anything... be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky.... I'm not afraid of anything... tell me wheres the challenge if you never try... so watch me fly.. I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid of anything, be it growing old or going out of style... I'm not afraid of anything.... who would give up what they want without a trial... another mile... I'm not afraid" - Jason Robert Brown (songs for a new world)