A New Year, a New World....

It is 2007, how fast time flys. I have a good friend who keeps telling me that 2007 is going to be my year, it is going to be great, etc. I am just hoping and praying that she is right.

The last year has been one of the hardest years I have ever gone through. And although I don't want to admit it, I learned so much about myself as well as the people I choose to surround myself with.

For instance, last January I am excited for the new year and hoping it will be a good one. Within days of it turning 06 my world started to crumble around me. I was rather upset due to the fact that I actually started off the year with a optimistic tone and then... well it turned to hell.

I just, never could understand how so many things can happen to someone within one year of their life. I guess that each of these things were just a building block, something for me to learn from and grow from. My life experience, wow.

I learned so much about love, in fact it was a ridiculous amount about it. I must quote a friend who helped me ease through love pains. She said: "Loving someone is brave. Letting someone in is brave. Because you cannot control that other person. It's all an incredible experiment...you have to let in and love in order to see if it will stick. You'll get stronger. Every time you do it..or try, it gets stronger. You'll be more sure of yourself...and able to hold your head high again. It's...BRAVE. Not stupid. We learn more about ourselves through relationships than we can ever imagine."

I truly didn't know if I'd get through this one, but with the help of others I did and I learned so much more about myself and who I am and what I want out of life. I know that I don't need a man to be happy, I don't need to feel that love to be happy. I have grown up for so long without anyone, on my own without any type of love so I understand why thinking that the love from a man would heal that, but it won't.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #1: Learn how to live without love

Other things I learned about myself is that I am so unbelievably unmotivated. I let things get to me, I let my life, my problems hold me back. I go to school sometimes not even there because my head is in the clouds. I just, I need to stop letting my life bring me down. I need to stop letting people bring me down.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #2- Don't sweat the small stuff, don't let every thing that goes wrong in my life run it.

Also I have realized this year that I still am so depressed, as much as I don't want to admit it. I put myself down right and left and although I am sure people thing that it is for attention, it is quite the opposite of that. IT is because of what I have taken in. The abuse from people around me, I let it get to me and then I just... I tell that to myself over and over again. I don't think I have met anyone with as low of self esteem as me. It is ridiculous. And this week when I went to visit some friends, Drew, one of them played this "two nicey" game with me. Every time I said something negative about myself I had to say two nice things. It really got me to realize how negative I was being and for that I am sorry. I just.... I want to look into that mirror.... and not hate who is in front of it.... and right now i do. Right now when I look into a mirror I only see the bad, and I only see what I hate.I need to look into that mirror with confidence...
and love me. I need to love me.

NEWS YEARS RESOLUTION #3 - Be Positive, learn to love myself for who I am and not for what other people see me as. No beating myself up.

During 2006 a large amount of devastating events took place in my life. I found myself blaming God and being so mad at him for letting it happen. I realized that this needed to stop and that I needed to get back on track with God. Get my life on track. So I have been working on that, and I rededicated my life last week.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #4 - Love God and let him love on me. Give him all the glory, let him guide me back into his light.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #5 - Pray more, send more time with God. Let him fill all that emptiness the world has given me

Early this semester, August I believe something unbelievable happened to me. I still think about it always. I ripped me to pieces inside and out and has proven to be one of those hardships in life that nobody wants to deal with. To make it worse I kept it inside me for so long finally months later to let it out to someone. I am glad that I told someone eventually. It was such a hard thing to go through alone. People I am sure wondered why I had trouble concentrating at school, work, etc. 2006 brought me severe pain.

Sickness, I don't even want to get started on that. This was one of those other things that I blamed God for. Always being sick, always having something wrong. I guess thought that I can and will praise God that I am alive. I am alive and have survived every bit of it. Maybe 2007 will come with no sickness, lets hope so! I don't think my body can take anymore.



Friendships, this is something that I could write a novel on. I have lost many of my closest friends in this year. There are two in specific that I need to talk about.

Although I am sad that things are not like they use to be I am at least glad that we talk now and can be civil. You were my best friend for so many years, and we went through so much together. I knew that college would come between us, and it did. I still am not happy about the way things went, and I think that the fights could of been prevented on both parts. I just wish that you would of loved me for me instead of who you wanted me to be.

Next person, you have been my rock through so many hard times. One of the best friends I ever could of asked for. But what you do to yourself, it kills me. You are so irresponsible and I have come to learn that you really don't care how it affects the people around you. I worry so much about you and there were so many weeks were I was scared to death that you were dead somewhere. I always wanted to be there for you. But then you started to only be my friend when it was convenient for you. You would take months and just disappear and scare the crap out of me. You would lie to me, to my face and tell me you were clean when I knew you weren't because I know when you are messed up. And I think that the worst part is when you are coming down. When you are coming down you are so mean to me. It really just makes me feel horrible being around you in those times. And I know you have apologized, after what happened this summer.... and you promised to never let it happen again... and never to just disappear again.... and never hurt me like that again... and then you did. So when you come back and want to be my friend...
I am going to have to say no. Because I am trying so hard right now to get my life on track, and learn how to love myself.... that I can't deal with it. I can't get hurt again. You were always someone I loved so much, but now I think that maybe you are not the best person for me to be around... especially when our friendship is usually an inconvenience for you.
And I thank you for everything you have done for me, because you have done so much. You have, and I Love you for that... I just can't take the pain anymore. If something ever happened to you I don't think that I would be able to even go on living in this world. So I am going to unattach myself now.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #6: Don't surround myself with people who are going to bring me down. People who hurt me.



Okay, so I have not been the best person this year and I have done things that have not been wise. I am turing myself into someone I don't want to be and that has got to stop.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION #7: Don't do bad things. As simple as that. Be smart, I have a good head on my shoulders... so I need to start using it. I need to better myself.


There is so much more I want to say and so many other resolutions but I really just can't type anymore.

I guess to put the rest up there:

NYR #8 - Figure out what I want this semester, just look deep within my soul and figure out what I want. I can't keep jumping back and forth across the tracks. I have got to make a decision.

NYR #9 - Get rid of things in my life that are not good for me, that are not good for my life. ( I have been starting to do that and already took away a few big things in my life)

NYR #10 - (everybody has this one)... loose weight. Loose the weight from being sick/injured/etc. I am so sick of being a cow.

NYR #11 - BE MOTIVATED

NYR #12 - Stop being so stubborn and let other help me and be there for me.

NYR #13- Work harder to achieve my goals.

Okay, that is enough for now.

Renew

I haven't been feeling very close to God lately. In fact, it has been that way for quite a long time. I let myself stray from his path, and I wasn't just walking away, I ran. The last year hasn't been the best, it really was quite hard. I found myself blaming God for everything that went wrong in my life. I had lack of motivation to read my Bible, have quite times, or pray in general. I was really lost.

I was fortunate enough to spend time this weekend with many people who I love. They are like family and this week was the first time in a long time that I actually felt cared about and were around people who love me unconditionally. It really helped me out of a rut being loved on and all. I really needed it and I know that God knew that. It was a great God thing, me getting to see them. I also sat and listened to the speaker a few times, and read the Bible.... and just.... felt him speaking to me in those few times.

Anyway, on the drive back home I just... spent quality time with God. I spent a lot of the time just listening to praise music and worshiping, and spent a lot of time praying and talking to God. I found myself breaking down in the car, driving through this intense rain. I just cried out to the Lord for forgiveness for straying from him. I just prayed and cried and felt myself in his arms. IT was the first time in a long time that I felt close to him.

In that car, on that highway tonight I rededicated my life. And in that instance the clouds parted and sunlight peeked from behind the black clouds. Within minutes the rain stopped and the sun just shined through clouds. It was absolutely breath taking. There were swirling colors all around me and I felt...renewed. I couldn't stop smiling after that happened and I just drove a long and talked with God. A man pulled up beside me and flipped me off because I was going 4 under the speed limit (because I am scared to death of rain) and I didn't even find it offensive, I just then prayed for that man. I prayed that God be with him in his journey and to soften his soul.

I really haven't felt this wonderful in a long time. It is going to take a lot of work to spiritually get back on track but I am so willing to do it. I have felt so empty lately and now I feel a stirring inside me, that emptiness being filled.


Tonight I am just going to stay in and pray, read my Bible and spend time with God.

Agnes of God - final

Today was my acting final an although it did not go as well as I wanted it to I still see it as a step up for me. I knew I was going into that room with an unprepared scene, a scene that was not crafted enough to be presentable... but as a final we had to do it anyway.
I was actually please with most of what Drew said, although most of it wasn't as positive as I would have liked... it was great constructive criticism.

He told me that he at first thought (with my size) that I was unfitting as the role of Agnes but after seeing the scene he saw that it oddly worked. It gave me a sort of vulnerability, being a larger female that you can't necessarily get from being skinny. He told me that in some instances, such as Agnes's breakdown, I pulled the emotion from nowhere (which I need to work on) and that it really wasn't believable partly due to my partner not grasping her role of the therapist. (and I sort of do feel bad because it seemed the notes of things done wrong were pushed mostly on my partner and the few positive notes were mine. I know she noticed that after a comment made after class. )He gave great criticism and even told me that he would like to see me do more Agnes of God scenes in the future which really kind of made it all worth it. It made me feel that for once I actually did something right for Drew, even though it wasn't anywhere even close to perfect.... That he could see potential in me as an actress. I knew that playing Agnes would be a long shot for me because of my size, but it was something that I really wanted to try and do. I wanted to try and make a role work for me even though I am larger. It is an intense scene and I really wish that I would of had more time to work on it than just a few days. More time to craft it. I was told by a classmate that he believes that I do have the emotional vulnerability that it takes to play that character and that he thought I did a pretty decent job. That also made me feel better about the scene. I agree, I do have the emotional vulnerability and many personal experiences to pull from. The hardships in life are things that can help an actor.

I am very anxious for my next acting class with Drew. Now that I understand the methods and have soaked in everything he taught me this semester. I do believe being in that Adv. Acting class was the best thing in the world for me.

I was thrown into his Adv. Acting class after never working with him which really sort of scared me from day one. The Acting 1 class we freshmen music theatre majors took our first semester of college taught us nothing. So when I walked into Drew's class his for lecture really hit me. That caused me to hold back and not work. I did eventually towards the end of the semester start to work my little tail off and he even told me that he wished that I would of done this sort of work early on. IT is just I went into that class with nothing, a fresh slate. And that slate was scribbled over with my first scene attempt.

I am thinking about starting over though. Although already taking Adv Acting I think that next fall I Am going to take Acting 1 with Drew to work on my technique and learn more about crafting and such. I will also take his scene study class as well, but I believe that taking that Acting 1 class and starting from the beginning with him is the best option for me.

I am excited, anxious... to act... to work... to do more scenes....

which is the feeling I have been waiting to feel for sometime now.

procrastinator takes a break

So in today's news..

Sara Turner has actually finished her enrollment and it isn't the day before or the second day into the spring semester. That is right ladies and gents, Sara enrolled on time... even early if you will.

I think she deserves a cookie....

or a big cup of coffee.

Therapeutic Painting

I spent this evening painting Kasey's room and it was so therapeutic. I feel amazing right now and I Am not quite sure as to why. I just concentrated so much on the painting that I forgot about right now and all of my current problems. I left "now" and ventured to some surreal world where everything was perfect.

I would give anything to live in that world always.