Poet's Corner

I found a book of my old poetry. What memories. Funny thing is that I remember the exact moments that I sat down to write these. It has been many years and I have grown older and wiser, but it is quite interesting to look back on the workings of my mind.

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"A Dream Within A Dream"

A dream within a dream
swirling neutral colors
shadows creep upon me
people sorround my inner isolation
millions of faces crowding in on me
the fight begins
i see one here who tells me lies
I see him walk through walls
as he denies
He does so wrong and holds me tight
then walks the other with the light
work wonders on ones soul
he believes in forgivness
and has to be strong
to save me from danger
and save me from wrong
heart beating rapidly
he grasping my hand
banishing my fears away
just as he'd planned
I fall to pieces upon the floor
tear filled eyes
but I feel no fear
I can feel him near
a heart renwed
a last given chance
the battle was won
the enemy is past
hopes that he will not return
in a small bit of time
to fight once again
for a soul that is mine
I'll protect it from danger
I'll protect it from sin
I'll protect it from anger
so he will not get in
The light is quite strong
for the battle was won
by the one who is mighty
for he did not shun
I will praise him forever
for being so strong
and finding forgivness
for the girl who does wrong

“The Dance”

Now begins the Day

Of the Dance,

movement so amazing

and unique.

Now Begins the Day

of the Dance.

Beautiful

such an art.

Inspirational

such an art.

Pointe shoes divine

Pink ribbons you tie,

To begin the dance

Across the stage.

Beautiful

Such an art

Inspirational

For dancers all

Moving with grace

Being so beautiful

It’s a way to let all go,

Dance away your pain,

Pirroutte with the music’s tune

Upon a Stage!

A beautiful song,

And a beautiful dance.

"No Name"

tears desend from ones face like a cool summer rain
feeling this strange little quirk
running strong through the rain
running for all your anger and pain
trying to find a way out
out of life and love and misery
the pain is so great
you can feel it in all parts of your body
all parts of your gently twisted mind
It scares you like how a thunder storm scares those who fear them
there is this overwhelming feeling
that can not be explained

been a long time

I last wrote in July. In July I was overwhelmed with life and events that had occurred. The theatre that I Was working for, the theatre where I was getting paid not only to do what I love, but to play one of my dream roles, went bankrupt. They threw me out on the street. This happens to a lot of actors, true, but not before the show even opens! They went bankrupt before they even opened the show. Not only before it opened but while I was in rehearsal. That was painful. Sounds ridiculous and stupid, but it was painful. It hurt. It ripped me apart. I spent eight straight hours at uptown Martinis venting to my friend Katie who was bartending and Autumn, Gina, Chelsea and Jennie Beth had to come pick me up off the floor. It was a sad, sad sight and honestly nobody besides those four really knew that that had happened. That I sat at that bar with Katie for eight hours and drank martini after martini after beer after glass of wine. That has never happened before. I am surprised I didn’t die. I personally didn’t know that I could consume so much liquor. I look back know and can just imagine how God was looking down on me in disappointment. Watching me drown my sorrows in alcohol with money that I obviously didn’t have… like the town drunk who is too ashamed to go home so he just lives in bars and drinks each penny away. I don’t know what I would have done without those girls. I just felt like such a failure for something that wasn’t even my fault. Now I know this was months ago but the reason I bring that up is just it reflects a lot on upcoming events and actions. It marks a pattern of bad behavior.

In August the one person, that one family member who loved me unconditionally and who cared for me so much passed away. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I haven’t felt pain that that since Julie died, and to be honest, this was more. This was so much more.
You know I think about Julie everyday of my life, and I think of my grandmother every day. I only wish my grandmother had a grave that I could visit, but her ashes are soon to be spread over some canon in New Mexico by my grandfather and mother and two uncles. I’m not invited.

I was with her through her last minutes. I remember her looking at me for the last time. She was basically in somewhat of a coma and I just prayed and prayed that she would open her eyes one more time and know that I was there. I just prayed and prayed and prayed. Josh and I were on either side of her. We knew the end was near and she… all of a sudden she took this big gasp and her eyes opened and I said I am here, I am here Grandma and she just looked at Josh and then looked at me and reached her hand up and touched my face and just looked at me. She tried to talk but couldn’t say anything and
I can’t do it, I can’t talk about it anymore. I can’t even see through my tears to type more. I need to stop, I will come back later.

It has been a long time...

It has been quite a while since I have written on this blog of mine. This blog was created for me to speak my mind, to vent about the cruelty of the world along with the beauty of it. I haven't had time, I have had inspiration, I haven't had courage.

A lot has happened since my last post in Feb, A distressed post about the strains of a bad audition and how it can change everything. I am over that, obviously, months later. It was quite ridiculous, to be so angry at myself for 8 seconds of a 90 second audition. How absurd.

It is summer now and I am only a few days away from my birthday. One year old. I am supposed to be one year wiser, but that certainly isn't the truth. What is the truth? Who knows, I sure do not.

The newest addition to my household is Truman. Truman is a spunky and loveable kitten who brightens each day of mine. He sits now, on my shoulder, watching me type. He gently bats at my hair and kisses my face with his rough feline tongue. I receive such great love from this small creature. He loves me unconditionally and makes me feel fantastic. Truman truly knows how to comfort one who is in a sense "down in the dumps." Things are just happening so fast. Time moves so fast. This summer has been turned upside down with each step that I have taken. It started out so wonderful, and I was proud of myself. Proud of the achievements and leaps and bounds I had made in every aspect of my life. Day by day those feelings of pride and ambition are peeled away like slowly disintegrating posters on a wall.

You know the type of wall I am speaking of. For instance, in New York, there are walls full of posters and cards and pictures. Each pasted on top of each other to where there are layers and layers of life. Layers and layers of secrets. Layers and layers of truths and lies. I feel like that wall. I am a "wall" with layers and layers of things built up over years. Some things garbage, some things brilliant, some truths, some lies. Each day something is peeled away and that is a good thing and a bad thing. Depends on which way you look at it. I don't know which way is right, all I know is that I am being peeled by this world. Ripped to shreds by each step, each breath, each blink.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was simple and careless? Everyone feels that way. My room mate sat the other day, smoking a cigarette, and was watching Truman. She said, "For every thirty minutes of play, he needs three hours of rest. Wouldn’t that be the life? No cares, no worries, just exploring this world and then you get to take a long nap."

I don't know if that would be "the life" but it would be nice to rid myself of all my cares. I have such a problem with dwelling in my problems. "Take it one day at a time" I hear. "Can you fix it right now in this moment? Then why worry." But I can't help it. It is in my nature to over analyze, to spend hours not sleeping replaying my day in my head and pin pointing all my mistakes. I don't even take the time to pin point all of my victories and moments of growth as a human. Who knows, maybe I am making no growth as a human. The only thing that is growing is my size, but lets not get into that.

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “

I need to take a break from writing. I will continue later. I will try to keep it consistant.

Now..

I haven't written since July. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Life is complicated.

Everything is complicated.

My faith is struggling, my love is struggling, everything is killing me... bringing me down.

The only stable thing was my career.... my performing. I was at a high.. things were wonderful..

now that is struggling because of 90 seconds. The way I feel about myself is struggling because 90 seconds. Because 8 of those 90 seconds I screwed up... so 8 seconds of my life is making me question everything.



to be continued.

Before the summer began I was told this by a few people: This summer... you need to figure out what you want.

I took this beyond what I want, to who I am. I don't know me, I didn't know me at all.

This summer was suppose to be a summer of discovery. Mostly a summer of discovering more about myself. This was my one and only goal, to figure out me. To figure out what I want out of life...

The summer has turned out thus far to be one of the bumpiest roller coaster rides I have been on in my life. It has been full of heart ache, friendship, adventures, romance, amazing blessings, horrible luck, etc.
I am still waiting to see what comes of this summer, what comes of my road to self discovery. I am waiting to see how this summer works in my life.

But I do have a little to show for the discovery part of things:

I have thus far discovered that you can't always trust people. That friends who you were close to, people who you have lived with can turn out to be completely different people than you thought you knew them to be.

I have discovered so many new things in my relationship with God. Somethings good, somethings bad.... but have learned so much and have grown so much. I have really discovered that I need to stop worrying so much, that God will see me through. He will work good through me. I should depend on God and not worry myself into a fit.

I have discovered that no matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone who is one step in front of you on the road to self destruction.

I have discovered my really random passion and talent for photography.

I have discovered NEVER take a job that is at all shady. You may be out $800 that you worked your ass off for.

I have discovered not to assume, not to judge... for things will most likely turn out opposite of what you expect. This is sometimes a GREAT thing if you are pessimistic, like me... OR this can turn out to be a really really bad thing... for those times you decide to stop being negative and take the optimistic side of things.

I have discovered that I should of left when I had the chance. I regret it... always.

I have discovered that sometimes you just need to... be adventurous.

I have discovered that I do have a temper, and need to learn how to control it.





THIS list is to be continued as the summer progresses.

out of tune piano

My mind is swirling a thousand miles a minute, there is no way I would ever be able to sleep tonight.

A lot has happened over these hours I have spent of self discovery, and I believe that every moment of this evening is crucial to the person I am trying so desperately to become.

My eyes have been opened that's to a series of unexplainable events, and I fully believe that everything that was set upon my heart tonight was meant to be there.

Some of it is very painful, some of it exciting.. some of it confusing, and some of it calming to the soul.

I received a reality slap, a complete and total mental make over and saw how much I need to mature as well as grow.

Tonight, this whole week has been challenging but a great learning experience.

My mind is full of so many unexplainable things, I am not even sure if I know what they all mean. But I suppose that is for the better, not to fully know or understand all. I must grow in wisdom, and with this change in my this new found wisdom will come.

It is as if all life's lessons I've learned thus far have all at once come crashing back into my mind to actually make some sort of sense.

All of this with the help and strength of God who has been with me every second during this emotionally taxing time.

I don't know if I should be excited or scared.

I don't know how to explain this feeling inside me....

I just need the world to stop for a second so that I can get on because it is spinning so fast that I can barely grasp the reality of it all.

Courage, Fear, Change

True Courage comes from God, from understanding that he is stronger than our mightiest foes and wants to use his strength to help us.

"Be Strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouragedFor the Lord your God is with you wherever you do." Joshua 1:9

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you.I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

One of the scariest things in this world is Change, but we must all be content and hopeful that the Lord will carry us through to better times. Change may be part of God's plan for us. We can trust God to take care of us through the changes. Change is something we all fear, but we should not fear for the Lord is with us. Just as it says in his scripture that:

"The Lord your God is with you!" Deuteronomy 20:1

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, what should I be afraid of?" Psalm 27:1

Fear is normal. Being paralyzed by fear, however, can be an indication that you doubt God's ability to care for you in the face of change.
If you take all your courage from another person, you will be left with nothing when that person is gone. IF your trust in God, you will have the strength to go on even when circumstances collapse around you.

Change is something that I myself have always been afraid of. I let fear stand in the way of my life. I am learning each and everyday to full trust the Lord and his will, that he will guide me. The Lord will take care of me for he has a divine plan for me. He created me to do great things. I must not fear, just trust in the Lord's will. Trust that he will guide and come to my aid. Trust that he is always present. He walks besides me and dances through life with me. He is mighty and strong and through him I have strength through all of my trials.

The Lord God is with you, he is mighty to save. HE will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his Love. he will rejoice over you with Singing" Zephaniah 3:17

God's plans for us are always for good. Unknown plans can be frightening, but when the plans belong to God, we can rest assured that we can expect something marvelous.

I must not fear, for the Lord will be my guide. He formed me for his great plan. I must trust his word as well as his love for me. The Lord will provide. The Lord created me for great things.

The Lord will FIGHT FOR YOU, you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14

I have great difficulty in just being still and letting God in. Sometimes it feels like I am praying to a wall and all of my praises and prayers bounce off the wall and right back. I must let the Lord in. I must strive to seek wisdom.

Remember:

May 3-5 7:30 PM May 6 2:00 PM

Wilner auditorium

CHILDREN OF EDEN

You can't stop the beat...

I am SOOO stoked for the new HAIRSPRAY movie.

So excited!

Of all the gifts we have received

One is most precious and most terrible

The will of each of us is free

It's in our hands

And if we hear a voice

If he speaks again, our silent father

All he will tell us is the choice

Is in our hands

Our hands can choose to drop the knife

Our hearts can choose to stop the hating

For ev'ry moment of our life

Is the beginning...

There is no journey gone so far

So far we cannot stop and change direction

No doom is written in the stars

It's in our hands...

We cannot know what wil occur

Just make the journey worth the taking

And pray we're wiser than we were

In the beginning

It's the beginning

Now we begin...

Children of Eden

Grant us your pardon

All that we leave to you is the unknown

Children of Eden

Seek for your garden

You and your children to come

Some day to come home

Children of Eden
Wichita State University
Wilner Auditorium
May 3-5 7:30
May 6 3:00

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A lot is going to go down tomorrow. A lot.

no good.

La la la

I hit a high E flat today in my lesson. Brian was surprised/pleased to say the least. According to Him I am truly this coloratura soprano who is dieing to break out. I still don't even know what exactly a Coloratura is. I looked up some stuff and the Definition of Coloratura being: singing with florid ornamentation, powerful, dramatic, Acrobatic.
He said if I get these high notes really well then Marie will fall in love with me and force me to change me major to Opera which WILL NEVER happen. I guess I am pretty please with things though. Although I am sick I was hitting some unbelievable notes today with much ease.
I also have started singing a new song, from SIDESHOW.... and I have fallen in love with it. It is just.. I just love singing it. And it sure supplies that High E flat among other things.

Children of Eden has started, and let me say it will be one roller coaster ride, but I am excited. The music is amazing and we've already roughly learned most of it. Yes, most of it in two days... because in our department they like things to be rushed. Since I am still a little sick, I sometimes sit back and just listen to those around me... and so far it actually sounds pretty great. I know that this is going to be a wonderful show.
I am so excited for Dawn to arrive and start working the choreography, if anything what this show will have is amazing choreography from the original choreographer. Stoked.

Since spring break has ended I have been proud of my drive to get things accomplished. (especially along the lines of dance classes) ...
List of things this week that I am proud of:

-Today was the first day I actually jumped and turned on my left foot. Stepped right out and did a double with ease, which please me. I am excited that I am healing, just in time for Children of Eden. My jumps weren't amazing.. but hey... at least I got up the nerve to try... and it didn't even hurt that bad!

- I have actually been going to dance classes my friends! That's right.. yesterday morning I was in ballet class. Amazing.

-I managed to make it 20 minutes early for my 8:00am English class and I even participated in our intellectually challenged group discussions.

-I have been practicing my music out the wazoo and have memorized ALL of my music for the semester. (except for one of the two new pieces that I received yesterday)

-Although still a little on the ill side, my voice rehearsals with Julie and my make up lesson all went wonderfully. I was actually really proud of my singing for once. Its just... it just felt Nice to sing, and I haven't let that feeling come out in a long time. I have been so worried about all sorts of different things... but this week I just let go sang... glorious feeling.


-I have already gotten a head start on my next paper. WOW.


Anyway, now all I need to do is keep this drive up for the rest of the semester.

It is times like these...

that i hate being here the most.

So it is the marvelous spring break that everyone just waits and waits for. "It is the highlight of the spring semester." Bah. It is not that I have had a bad spring break so far, it is just... I don't fully understand the greatness of spring break, because I never really get a chance to just.. take a break. I planned to spend at least two hours a day at my coffee shop to just read, meditate, write, do artwork.. and I have yet to even step foot into the place. I have just been busy I guess. I planned on finally doing that today but then something horrible had to happen and I spent the day dealing with that. Isn't it ridiculous how things from your past decided to come back and screw up your life for no reason. Anyway, I am hoping to finally have some ME time tomorrow.

I am actually feeling a lot better although I still have a bit of the sniffles. In fact I have to blow my nose every five minutes. The head aches are still hanging around as well. But I am indeed better.

Saturday night was the magnificent St. Patrick's Day. I always seem to have great St. Patty's Days. For instance, last year was one of the funnest nights of 2006. I did have another wonderful St. Patty's day this year! I went to work that morning still sick as a dog and wanting to be anywhere but around my batch of hyper children. Surprisingly, my three and four year olds were very well behaved. They were just doing wonderfully!! The rest of my classes that morning were just as great, although small in numbers due to spring break. I left in a great mood and headed off to have lunch with the brilliant Gina. After a wonderful lunch full of old friends we headed to her house for our art therapy day. What a wonderful day it was!! Just sitting working on our art. We even watched Drop Dead Gorgeous for the second time this week. I adore that movie. REally. It is so clever and absolutely hilarious. It really isn't appreciated for the greatness it is. After our art day I headed to Stephen and Ben's house warming/st. patty's day party. I had a wonderful time. Not to mention the food was amazing thanks to the workings of Shaun-Michael. Brilliant cook he is. The night was full of laughter and good company.

Besides St. Patrick's Day the rest of spring break has been pretty decent. I was called to sub at the west branch and didn't know what I was getting myself into. I walk into this classroom and the parents just start going off about how their kids haven't learned anything and all they have been doing for the past few weeks is playing hokey pokey and jumping over blocks. I ws just amazed at how right they were. These children who have been in these dance classes for weeks didn't even know what first position was let alone anything else. And not to mention the fact that they were so poorly behaved. Their teacher has let them run around wild for weeks. Well I worked them hard. I tried to at least catch the kids up to where they should be. I also hired a new teacher for that branch. I feel sorry for the West branch because they don't even have an academy. Boy is that changing. That is my summer goal. To build and academy at the west branch. I think it will be quite full filling. I love sharing my passion for dance with children, and I can't wait to start this new program.


I am hoping to have some relaxing time over the next few days. I don't think that will happen because I will be spending my time reviewing applications and holding interviews to hire a new teacher for my academy. Someone who won't leave. I had to spend tonight getting yelled at by parents because of the fact that they never have the same teacher two weeks in a row. We had this problem when I started at the Y. That is the only class with that problem but the parents are still insisting on causing a scene and pulling their kids from the academy. I just stood there thinking "UGHH! this isn't my fault! Things happen! People quit there jobs and leave the rest of us in binds." Hopefully it will all work out. As of now I have a wonderful group of people to select from.

I have been lucky to spend time with the wonderful Crystal. It has been such a long time since we've had time to talk let alone have a lunch date. Twice this week we've hung out. How amazing is that? Today we went to our favorite place, Bella Luna.. and sat in our booth. Too bad they have a new cook at the central one and the food was not very good. We were very disappointed. We did have a chance to plan a sort of intervention on a friend of ours who needs to stop basically everything they are doing. This person needs to understand that he is not just hurting himself, but the people who love him so dearly. Everyone. He is hurting everyone. So... we are going to fix it.


I think that is enough talking. OFf to do more work... maybe work on some of my art...

T.

I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow.

I have heard this from many people I believe know what they are talking about:
"If you ever find yourself doubting your work, or even once think that maybe this isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life... then get out of it as fast as possible."

These past few days I have been very sick and have been held up in a living room with a box of Kleenex, a cup of tea, and my brain. My brain which has been thinking a lot about life, about every little detail.... about the future. And honestly, if I look ahead ten years.. I don't see anything. Whatever I see is blank... somewhat like a blank canvas but not even that certain. See with a blank canvas future, you at least know that something is ahead of you.. something you can create and mold to whatever you want it to be. With me... I just see blank. Nothing. And everything I put into that blank-ness doesn't seem to fit. Nothing seems to be right.

So... so what.. I am at that milestone in your life where you think "what do I want to do with the rest of my life." Everyone goes through it... probably multiple times. So.. I am there. At that "what do I want" stage.... and I ... I am completely lost.

Do I want to perform? Do I want to teach? Do I want to do technical work? Do I want to write? What do I want.

I just... I don't know. I mean, I do love the theatre so much. Performing... it just... I never feel better than when I am on a stage. I know I love it, people can tell. I mean someone I knew only for a few days told me "You do love it Sara, I can tell when you talk about it. You have this passion... that is contagious." But do I?

I know that.. like I have said before.. that I have to have change. I can't do the same thing day after day.

I looked back at something I wrote a few days ago and what I wrote was this:

"I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I'll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love."

I am just so complete and utterly confused. I know I love performing but sometimes it just... it seems like a joke. Like a I am living in this dream world. I know I will never be good enough to actually make it. I am good, but I can't see myself making a living do it. Dealing with the stress, the craziness... I can barely deal now. But then I think about life without it and that doesn't seem to make sense either. I need the stress, I need the nervous craziness I feel every time I walk into an audition... I need that feeling of accomplishment every time I do something wonderfully... every time I sing something in a lesson and I know that my professor is actually proud of me.

I just... I guess I am scared. I am scared of what I want. But I can't let fear hold me back from what I love. I have to fight for it.

Ah.. what am I even saying. I just... I... I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I just... confused.

I can't see myself doing theatre but then Ican't see myself doing anything else.

Someone asked me the other day if I were to change my major, what would I change it to. And I sat there and I thought about it... and I thought about it long and hard. I even asked them if I could get back to them.. and when I did the next day.. I said... honestly.. I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else...

but then I look ahead ot the future and see that blank-ness. I just...

I don't know.

Next week is spring break and for this first time in my life.. I have absolutely no obligations. I have a full week that I have nowhere I have to be. So I am going totake the week for me, and only me. Now I don't have money to go anywhere... heck, I don't even have money to put gas in my car to go to the other side of town... so I am going to have to stay here and have this week of meditation... well.. here. I have spent so much of my life saying "I need to figure out my life.. but I'll do it tomorrow." ... It is getting a little late for that.

I just.. I don't know...


(any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.)

I am forced to believe that I can't be anything more than this. I just.. I don't know
I am so unbeliveably disapointed in myself that it is hard to see what I am typing through the tears streaming down my face. To think that I had come so far and then to throw it all away... and as much as I want to tell myself that it isn't that bad, I look and see that it really is that bad... it is horrible, I am horrible.



I just have this mix of emotions that are swirling through my head, so many emotions I can't keep them straight. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to rip all of the thoughts from my mind so that i will hurt no more.

I am not going to say that I am not scared, because I am. Very much so. I keep trying to find myself, find out who I am.. and then end up here..in this same place. with these same habits.

I am back to step one. Back to those old emotions, those old feelings. I am identical to myself a year ago, STILLL... and that scares me.


I have come nowhere...

and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry.

it is allthe same:


Mixed emotions are the worst.

So much has been happening these past few months that I can't keep up. I am ashamed of myself for wanting to quit, wanting to give up on everything... but it is something that has been dwelling in the back of my mind for quite some time now...
I don't want to be depressed, but that is the only emotion that is clear as of now. I never sleep, and I am "overwhelmed" about 75% of everyday.
I just want things to go well, I just want to succeed and not give up... but I am about 2.4 seconds away from throwing my life away... and for what? I know that I make poor decision, and I know that I have equally achieved so many great things. How I feel about myself teeter totters back and forth between my achievements and my failures.
I want to stop this merry-go-round state of mind, get off somewhere... and be content with myself.
I know that everyone messes up, and everyone makes mistakes, and that everyone goes through these ups and down, slumps, highs, and down right depressing moments.
I want to stop this bi-polar mess and be somewhere ... somewhere constant. Somewhere in between all the mess so that I am comfortable.


Sometimes I don't know if it is worth all the tears I have cried, and the pain, and the work, and the injustice...Sometimes I feel like a fool or even.. childish for thinking I can... or could live my dreams.. make them real, make the happen...As bad as I want it I still choose to screw everything up.... and screw my dreams and years of trying into the ground..sometimes... sometimes I just don't know why I do it.
The way it makes me feel inside, the passion.... but you can't live your life based on Passion and love now can you.

Being realistic is of the utter most importance and for as long as I can remember I haven't been realistic, but foolish in thinking that I could actually be something I'm not. And through the trials and tribulations I stuck in there.... through the injustice and the pain... I stuck in there... and for what??
Oh yea.... I forgot.. For love... and for passion... and the willingness to try harder...
but I haven't tried harder and if I want to be realistic it would be smart to actually try harder instead of pretending.... I screwed things up for myself and I know that... I know that very well and it haunts me often.. don't think that it doesn't because it does.

and I am not saying I didn't work hard because I did, oh I did.. I WORKED so hard to even come this far and for me this is one hell of an accomplishment.

I have been pushed and kicked and shot down but I kept on climbing and for what...
It wasn't other people pushing me down, it wasn't other people not believing me, it wasn't life and luck playing me un-fair hands...
it was me..
IT IS ME
and I am not scared to say that and I am not scared to know that..Who I am is somebody who doesn't deserve what I have... realistically or my fantasy..I am the injustice and the pain and the unfair hand..
IT IS ME
and I deserve nothing, I don't deserve my dreams, I don't deserve the people who care about me...
I am the enemy.
I have been stuck in this world I created in my head and it sucks when you have some random "epiphany" and poof... that shatter proof world you created around you is gone... That security bubble gets popped.I have wasted so much time and effort to just figure this out now and it is ridiculous.I can sit here as long as I want believing in something that has never been true but it is only going to hurt me in the end.
I wish that love and passion could be enough but lets face it kids, it's not. It is nothing but this stupid lie or "security bubble" people set up.... Believe in a dream? Yea right...
What is a dream anyway.. it is a slap in the face because when you stop dreaming and realize
If it wasn't for me making poor choice, being stupid ... maybe JUST maybe things would be different... but no... Sara the fabulous struck out once again at her own game. I forced myself to believe things that weren't true... I set up this whole atmosphere around me too... and I am not going to pretend like my little world didn't effect others because it did.
I am not a good person, and I am not worth anything. I know this, just nobody else does.
I am just a girl driving herself crazy with every step she takes. Driving herself crazy.. driving as fast as she can blaring the radio as loud as it can go and just screaming... screaming to the blaring radio so that nobody can hear.

I don't know what my life has in store for me.. or what God's plan is for me... and I am not going to say that I am NOT scared because I am.
I lived in my little security bubble for so long and forced myself to believe EVERY bit of it... but now it is gone. I mean deep deep deep down inside I knew that none of it would every really happen... I mean dreams Don't come true... and deep deep deep down inside of your soul everyone knows that... it just is so deep inside of a person that they act like it is not there and some do a mighty fine job of that. Dreams aren't reality and they never will be... I am stupid for living in the clouds for so long...
but now that I have floated down from cloud nine I am lost at what to do with myself.
oh, and I have been so good lately ... I actually thought ... I actually believed that I was happy... are you kidding me? All those old feelings hit me again tonight like a thousand knifes hitting my body.

Depression is a funny thing
Dreams are hilarious
Life is just one big bowl of cherries

and your bubble, your perfect world, your dreams... will all come crashing down.. just like mine did.

My only question is... What now?

emotion

Sid just called and told me she was driving to Wichita. I couldn't be happier to hear that, although the situation sucks. I need her now, I need my best friend here going through all of this shit with me. Seeing her in somewhere around 18 hours will be good for me. I need to see her, I need her to be here.

After a nervous break down this week I thought about how much I needed some Blide time. So today I visited Blide and poured out my heart and soul. We talked for a long time about change, about how things are going in our lives. I heard updates on people from SE. I found out things I didn't want to know and things I was happy to hear.

Washington is getting married, Holt has terminal cancer... karver had a baby... this beyond many many other things.

wow how things change.

I don't know, it just was nice to have her there for me. It reminds me of high school where I could just run in and sit under her desk and cry whenever things were going wrong. Too bad I don't have that protection fromthe world anymore. I can't just run to Blides room so she can make everything okay.

and getting to talk to her at all was a miracle, it doesn't happen very often. Maybe once a semester at most.


And about change....

I can't do the same exact thing day after day after day. there's no variety, no spontaneity, no change at all. i feel like a robot, going from responsibility to responsibility....i just feel like i never have any time to breathe. and when i do, it's usually overshadowed by the thought that i should be doing something else, such as writing a paper...or working on music, monologues....

i want to work in theater because i know there will be change all the time. Whether it be performing or technical work... i know i won't be stuck in the same office from 9-5 monday thru friday. And at most I'll spend a couple months or even a year or so doing one thing, and then I’ll move on. That is what I need. I need change, I need variety, I need something spontaneous. I need to be living out away from Wichita, complete on my own and alone, doing what i need to do, doing what I love.I can't handle this bullshit anymore. This same old crap.

Mal sent me a picture, a sonogram of my God child. She is already amazing.

I am just full of a lot of emotion today. I don't know why.

Who says Wichita doesnt' have talent

My Dear friend and fellow WSU Music Theatre major, JAvier Perez-Gomez, recently recorded a CD. Here are two songs from his CD. WOW AMAZING.




This is from Zanna, Don't

In Order: JAvier Perez-Gomez, Zack Powell, Kylie Jo Jennings, and Miss Desi Oakley

(dang I have talented friends :) )





This song is called FLight and was written by Craig Carnelia